Friday, June 30, 2006

you know what pisses me off? II

people who hang out in the bathroom, chatting away as if it were a coffee shop. about the war, about their new hairstyle, about their children's sleeping habits. especially when there is no "foyer" in the lavatory. it's not even a place that is good for a private conversation as it is a) tiny b) echoey and c) not a conference room/elevator/grocery store line/watercooler. dude, get in, do your business, wash up, and GET OUT!

thank god i don't have stage fright.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

jolt of realization

"my camera has been eating through batteries like nobody's business."

"are you using those rechargeable ones?"

"yeah, but the green light hasn't been showing up on the charger. can you take a look at them?"

"sure, no problem. hang on, i have to get something out of the closet... okay, let me see those."

"oh. my. God."

"what? what happened? you have a problem with me wanting to know how much juice your batteries have?"

"no. but you know how they say, no matter how unlikely it seems, every girl inevitably seeks out a guy who has qualities like her father?"

"you got this from the fact that i have my own voltmeter?"

"that and how you jumped at the chance to use it. i never really saw it until this very moment."

"is that so."

"yeah. my dad's is yellow."

Thursday, June 22, 2006

you know what pisses me off?

when someone is reading while walking, aimlessly, bobbing and weaving about the office hallway. it makes it increasingly difficult for me stop myself from taking off my pointy highheel and sticking it between his shoulderblades to get him to watch where he's going because he's blocking my path to the printer for a report that's already ten minutes late to begin with BEFORE i ever get to it.

that pisses me off.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

do you need a prescription for an inscription?

you know what i've noticed? nobody inscribes books anymore.

i remember back in the day when i'd peruse the used bookstore, i'd love to pick up a book and look to see who the giver, recipient and the occasion was. like on a book about a dog who is bad but its owners love it anyway:

dearest timmy,
you're my favorite.
love grandma
christmas 1968

or a picture book about the Rocky Mountains:

remember when we enjoyed this view?
yours always,

or on a murder mystery in large print:

Hope that prosthetic eye is treating you well!
get well soon.

what the hell? are the only people who write in books authors? and they're dedicating them to people they don't even know? what, are people trying to add the option to dump the book on eBay as an added bonus or something? or maybe the fact that everything is typed out now, people's handwriting is completely illegible? (as evidenced by the atrocious penmanship on a birthday card, which was only understandable because my friend has been trying to decipher my handwriting for 12 years now)

what gives, book lovers?

Sunday, June 18, 2006

except dialing fingers don't get drunk

"hi there."

"how's it going?"

"pretty good, i'm out shopping for shoes with cc. what are you doing?"

"nothing much. i pretty much just woke up."

"it's early for you out there. to whom do i owe the honor of such an early call?"

"well, i'd say it has something to do with the fact that you demanded i promise to call you as soon as i woke up this morning before you finally let me hang up the phone last night."

"i did? did we talk for long?"

"i believe we talked for about an hour. and you did NOT want to get off the phone."

"an HOUR? it felt like about 2 minutes."

"uh, no. and i kept telling you, 'cadiz, it's four a.m., don't you want to get some rest before you meet up with cc tomorrow morning? you don't want to be tired for shopping, do you?' and then you'd be like, 'okay. i guess so.' and i'd think i'd convinced you and say, 'okay, so we should both sleep. i'll talk to you tomorrow.' and you'd be like 'NO!' i was so tired, and you just wouldn't let me go."

"oh no. i'm so sorry. i had been drinking that riesling last night."

"yeah, you told me. it was really hard to understand you. half the time i was guessing what you were saying and you'd repeat it, but it'd be so slurry i still couldn't get it. i think you said something about benny wanting crackers?"

"we were eating crackers right before we crashed on the couch. R had white crackers and wheat crackers. but i don't know that other part. but benny is what my mom calls my dad, so that's REALLY freaking weird. i don't know why the hell i'd say that."

"that's pretty much all i could decipher. it was frustrating. except you did tell me that you love me about seventeen gazillion times."

"well, does that make it any less meaningful?"

"not at all. i love you."

"yeah, i love you too. i'm sorry i was so drunk."

"it's okay. it would have been a little better if i weren't in the car with the guys. it wasn't a short conversation and they kept looking back at me wondering what the hell was going on."

"why? they drink, they know how it is. didn't you tell them i was a little tipsy?"

"yeah, but not till after i got off the phone. i said, 'uh yeah, she's had a few.' then they laughed."

"aww, did i embarrass you?"

"nah, it's cool."

"so... did you say it back every time i told you that i loved you?"

"well, i can't say that i said it every single time. probably every other time. but believe me, i said it plenty."

"sorry, that's the way i am when i have a buzz. whatever emotion i'm currently feeling gets multiplied by about 12."

"i'm starting to get that."

"good, because you're going to want to remember it so you can make sure that you don't piss me off."

Friday, June 16, 2006

the fever could be breaking

so i was sitting in the dungeon thinking to myself, self, what will you watch tonight when you finally get home?

a) world cup soccer fastforwarding to the good parts
b) mtvmotherland top ten videos
c) the second half of national treasure
d) motherland cooking show (may go well with the Portillos my brother picked up for me tonight)
e) die hard 3 (the only one i haven't seen yet)
f) saturday night fever (what was all that travolta fuss about?)
g) one of four cheesy romantic comedies

i was about to consider the options more carefully when i stopped to wonder why the pickins were so slim. it hits me: i HAVEN'T RECORDED anything in THREE DAYS.

maybe it's over? no more send-the-wife-to-a-spa-and-redecorate-hideously shows? no aging professional wrestler reality sitcoms left? nary a Cosby rerun? was the dish obsession just a phase? that only lasted three weeks? good God, maybe i'm settling into the denoument of a comfortable, healthy television lifestyle.

dammit, i probably missed something awesome.

Monday, June 12, 2006

staking a spot

you know that you have managed to crack through the steel perimiter, elbow your way through crowds of masters and legends with elaborate seasonal homes, wade past hordes of statistics and memories to claim yourself a humble corner in the heart of a true sports fanatic when you can ask-- without first checking if he already knows the outcome-- 'hey, did you see Nadal win the French Open today?' and still live to tell the tale.

however, it's not for the faint of heart. i do not recommend it.

Friday, June 09, 2006

trapped in the dish

you know when i said i got cable via a dish and that's all i do now? it's true.

i watch television. and when i'm not watching, i'm setting things to record so i can watch later and when i'm not doing that, i'm thinking about what could potentially be on that i haven't recorded and the amount of space left on the dvr for recording. it's as though if i sleep or do errands or GOD FORBID have the television OFF for any period of time, my brain will slowly leak from my left ear, dripping into a puddle that will run into the drainage grate by the driveway and mingle with the entire community's waste in a big cesspool from which i will never be able to extract it. all because i MAY HAVE MISSED SOMETHING.

but don't worry, my employers have a 12-step program to wean me from this obsession. it's called dungeon duty. wherein i will have nothing but time while waiting for reports at which point i will write drawn out posts to make up for all the ones i could have shared. like the joys of MTVmotherland and how The 4400 is starting up again and MOVIE CHANNELS! or maybe i'll write about something real.

stay tuned.

Monday, June 05, 2006

simple pleasures

'did you see that obit in today's paper about this lady who was a curler?'

'no, was it a good one?'

'it was terrible! this woman lived for seventy-some-odd years and the entire thing was about curling! how boring. who wants to read about that?'

'well, i know somebody who really enjoys it. he's even got special shoes and everything. and he makes it sound kind of interesting.'

'well, i think it's boring. and i happen to know the girl who wrote the story. she said the husband-- who is all about curling, too-- that curling is all he wanted to talk about in the interview. you know the kicker? she had like three kids and they were just barely mentioned at the end as survivors. this woman was hard core. i guess she helped get curling into the Olympics or something.'

'maybe that's what she really was passionate about. c'mon, don't be so hard on her, she's dead. what about you? what do you think they'd say in your obituary?'

'well, i think i'd be all right as long as they didn't talk about hair or fashion.'

'why not? t, you're the only person i know who can pull off that shade of tangerine and still look fabulous. and you have a new, cool, hairstyle every week.'

'i know, i know, but there's more to me than that. it's just not what i want to be remembered for, you know?'

'oh right, aren't you on a bunch of committees in your town and always writing your Congressperson about something or another? how about "community activist"? '

'yeah! that's the kind of stuff i hope people would remember. what would they say for you?'

'i doubt i'm important enough to make the paper unless i get gunned down by a psycho soccer mom or something. but i guess they'd have to say something like "Cadiz Twelve: That Girl Really Loved her Television." '


i got tagged by our very own curling master, Omar. here are ten of my simple pleasures:

10) sappy-ass movies with plot holes the size of wyoming, bad acting and cheesy endings that i didn't want to pay nine bucks to see in the theater or waste three days of my netflix to order but still secretly wanted to see

9) being able to rewind after i've realized i'd been dozing and missed something critical, like what exactly the hero did to mess up and lose the girl

8) being able to forward through the scary parts without having to actually watch someone get stabbed/shot/jumped/raped/dismembered, only in fast-forward

7) when one of my roommates ignores the fact that i'm concentrating on the hero's part-apology-part-love-professing speech (the only worthwhile part, btw), stands directly in my line of vision trying to converse with me, i can pause live television and not miss a WORD.

6) knowing exactly how many taps of the forward arrow it takes to skip the entirety of the commercial break without having to rewind

5) that my roommates still haven't quite figured out how to search for their shows or set an entire season to record at one time, so i can fill up the dvr with my sappy movies

4) being able to hear the actors use actual swearwords instead of dubbedover epithets. somehow ray liotta's "melon farmer" substitute in 'Goodfellas' just doesn't have the same panache as the real thing.

3) catching up on all the stuff i've only just heard about all this time. for example, reading an online article about Stephen Colbert's show doesn't really convey the fact that he pronounces it the 'Colbear Reporrr.'

2) being able to set something for recording at the same time BBC news or 'According to Jim' or whatever else my roommates watch while i'm at work

1) never! again! having to sit through another stupidass skincare infomercial/timeshare pyramid scheme/flimsy cooking gadget/magical stain-remover program when it's 4 a.m. and i can't sleep. not to mention the neverending parade of personal injury/racyphoneline/diet pill commercials. praise the Lord!

sorry, guys. I would just tag Guyana Gyal, because i know she loves these things as much as i do, but her computer is busted. so Jon and Ale, you're up.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

nothin a little gnarles can't fix

he did it again.

i was pissed. but then 'crazy' came on.

and then i was happy.