you can't out-give a giver

today's my mother's birthday, which is always a source of stress. because i'm pretty sure my mom is in the top ten of the world's best giftgivers. a) because she's always thinking of everyone else but herself and b) because her mind is like a bear trap with jagged teeth that will sever your leg before it will let go (which is dangerous if you ever want to bring up the past in an argument).

she's gotten me gifts i forgot that i wanted, items so perfectly suited to my needs that it's as though there's truth to that threat she made when i was in junior high that no matter how far i go or what i do she can always see me and will always find out. (and she always did somehow! but with age, i've realized it was poor deception skills on my part, not omniscience on hers, that did me in.)

the curse of being a great giftgiver is that you're rarely rewarded by your recipients. so every year i go out of my way to take notes on what she may want or need or even think about wanting or needing, just to try and make her day. and i fail more often than not. because great giftgivers are often horrible present-accepters, usually saying nonsense like, 'this looks expensive. why did you spend so much? save your money!' or 'this is pretty good, but i'm probably not going to use it' about the run-of-the-mill perfume/sweater/jewelry gift or combination thereof. so all that stuff is out. the real winners have been long letters i've written when i had no money and last year when me and my dad secretly flew my brother home and he rang the doorbell about ten minutes after she'd gotten off the phone with him telling her he was at his university's library. silly woman. that library thing was a dead giveaway.

there's no way i could top that. especially when she was like, 'remember when your brother came home last year? that was the best present i've ever received.' yeah. not gonna happen this year, lady. but i did have a pretty solid idea. and this time, i decided everybody was on their own as far as mom is concerned. none of this can-i-give-you-money-and-put-my-name-on-it bs. which was cool with my brother, who has always been pretty good about putting a card in the mail or sending flowers. but with my dad, things were a little trickier.

'hi daddy, what's up?'

'uh, nothing much. but i am in the carson pirie scott for the last two hours looking for a dress for your mother. i can't find anything good!'

'a dress? dad, she's not really into dresses, you know.'

'yes she is. i remember way back she always wore dresses.'

'uh, i think the important words in that sentence are 'way' and 'back' dad.'

'ugh! this is so annoying! i think i'm just going to get her some perfume. hmph!'

'no! we just got her some for christmas; how much perfume does she need? why don't you ask somebody in the store?'

'they're not helpful!' they're just sitting there behind the cash registers and they say 'the dresses are across that aisle.' they don't help you!'

'okay. how about some work clothes? she doesn't have enough work clothes. she needs some nice dress socks to go with her new brown shoes... no, how about a nice sweater?'

'cadiz. i just WASTED two hours and i had to come out of that store to call you because there's no reception in there! now i have to go back in?!'

'daddy, take a deep breath. it'll be okay. just go in there and get a sweater. but remember, she doesn't like turtlenecks.'

'okay, then what kind of necks? v-necks? round? i dont' know anything about ladies' clothing!'

'any one of those is okay. just no turtlenecks; she says they choke her. and not anything too thick-- she gets hot at her office.'

'buttons? is buttons in the front okay?'

'yes. that's good.'

'what colors?'

'oh god, daddy! just pick something nice!'

'she's not going to like it. she always says, 'that's too big,' or 'i don't like that style,' or 'i already have that color. this is why i don't do this. gifts are not my department.'

'see? this is what i have to do every holiday. but you know what? you're getting her something with love. just get a receipt and if she doesn't like it, she can exchange it for something else.'

'yeah! then i don't have to come back to this place! okay, i'm going back in.'

'good luck.'

i'm praying that she likes the burgundy buttonup sweater it took him another two hours to decide on.