exhausted

i have a project to do. a really big one. it will require tedious attention to detail and a lot of-- what do they call it?-- "get up and go" to complete. very little of which i currently posess these days. and i'm terrified about failing. maybe that is why i have put it off for two months when i should have been about halfway through by today.

this is very upsetting. i spend a lot of time worrying and little actually doing.

never fear, dear readers, i am aware of how deep the vat of doo-doo is that i tread; it's just that for some reason, i cannot seem to muster the motivation to actually begin. perhaps it's a fear of rejection, inability to attain the impossible goals i set for myself or the fact that i tend to view anything short of said impossible goals as an utter failure and may be putting it off to be able to say it sucks so very badly because i had no time -- all classic signs of procrastination. even today, as i sit here at the computer on the one day off this week that i had fully dedicated to taking that tentative first step toward certain doom, all i can do is look back on all the things i HAVE accomplished in an effort to put the crying off a little longer:

checkbook? balanced.

house? dusted, vacuumed, swept up, tidied

grates that go over the flames on the stovetop? soaked, scoured and put back into place

do-it-yourself-home-improvement and myth-disproving shows? watched, sometimes two at the same time

big production dinner? made

dishes? done (that's a biggie)

laundry? currently drying

magazines/newspapers/junkmail? sorted and moved to resting places, final or otherwise

cds? organized

correspondence? caught up on

first half of America's Next Top Model marathon? enjoyed (although i've never really been into that program, when they show them all in a row, i just cannot find the courage to turn off the tv.)

ice cream? eaten

knitting project? more than halfway finished

facial mud mask? applied

toenails? repainted

horoscope? checked

newspaper? read

current issues of rolling stone, paste and salon.com? browsed through

blog post? soon to be posted

and although i've demonstrated a considerable amount of restraint in NOT watching Ghostbusters, which i have never seen but have recorded, i am now in a decent frame of mind to consider possibly getting started.

but i sure could use a nap, first.