you take the good, you take the bad

I know you have been worried about me. I'd be lying if I said the last month has been just fine. Last week we got several pieces of bad news concerning the health and happiness of people we really love, so that was actually the saddest I have been in years.

But I've also been happy: Jon and I went to a local Arboretum on a Thursday evening, as Ale had been suggesting for weeks. Jon and Madelyn have been making awesome sketches for Second City's Second City Shorts competition. Our nephew is such a light in our life; even though it's via camera, I think I love him more every time I hear his laugh. And my brother moved back home to Chicago.

*** 

Things have been completely nuts these past two weeks back at work--it took me almost three days just to get through my email. Our project was implemented more quickly than most companies do it, so there was a LOT to fix because we simply did not have the manpower or hours in the day to test it all before unleashing it out onto the public. Today I put in some 15 hours; I'm still spacing out a little and I want to be sure I'm pulling my weight.

But my coworkers really care about me. They had missed me, were hoping I was ok and valued my presence on the team.

*** 

I was in a car with my parents for 5+ hours on the drive to St. Louis to get my brother and his stuff, and my dad managed to still be critical of the 3.5-star hotel I got for a super deal.

But we had a smooth move and no one got hurt. And my brother is living in town...for now.

*** 

We had put in a bid on a house in March. It was a really great property for a great deal, but it was bank-owned and the bank did not want to pay the outstanding water and gas bills from the previous owners in order to let us have a full inspection. We just didn't feel comfortable buying it blind, so we yanked the deal.

But we started looking again and saw some places yesterday that were really nice. The one with the wow-did-a-tv-show-redo-this backyard was already under contract before we could put in a bid. It was on the market 8 days. Things are going fast, so we need to move quickly. But damn, that place was gorgeous.

*** 

I have been lying low about going out, only seeing people in small groups (or not at all because of work).

But my friend is getting married in a week and we're so happy for her. It'll be nice to see everyone. And dance.

*** 

Exactly a month ago today I was in the hospital going into labor knowing that we weren't going to get to go home with our baby. I'm starting to thaw out from the initial numbness and have been feeling my feelings way more lately, which is probably best. Today I had my first encounter with a person who lovingly asked about how the baby and I were doing, and I had to break the news over the phone. I felt terrible about how bad he felt. Another coworker posted about feeling her baby move for the first time, which I never got to experience. They had been trying to get pregnant for almost a decade and lost one pregnancy, so this even more extra special.

But I didn't cry.

*** 

My pregnancy buddy (who was due 3 weeks after we were) lost her baby, too. I cannot describe the level of OH NO I felt while racing over there to try and comfort her after she found out there was no heartbeat. I hate that we have this in common.

But she actually made ME feel better. Like us, she and her family were just hoping and praying for a healthy baby. Maybe the universe did this to us because our babies weren't healthy, in order to spare them any suffering. It makes me feel better to believe that.

*** 

It's not easy.

But it's getting better.