brought to you by the letter P

Earlier i said that i loved shopping.

i lied. i actually hate shopping. okay, sort of. i only hate it when i'm in need of something. which... is always. unless i'm shopping for somebody else. and as a social activity. with the right company. but i could really live without all the fruitless sifting.

but what i really detest more than all the rest is shopping for pants. seriously, it SUCKS. but perhaps that's why i'm forever in need of doing it. because for me, buying pants is a no-go unless you actually try them on. and let's face the truth: it's going to take something really spectacular for me to want to take my pants off.

all the searching, carrying, waiting, limiting of things you can bring in, undressing under fluorescent lighting, being surrounded by mirrors aside -- do the ends really justify the means? just take a look at some of the factors:

a really good pair of pants:

* is a good, versatile color
* isn't dry-clean only (too lazy to reliably get to the cleaners)
* isn't peek-a-boo from the back of the waist
* isn't too loose in the back end
* isn't too thin where you have to worry too much about your choice of undergarment
* won't require too much reconstructive surgery (mostly i'm just pissed that i can't figure out how to do a decent "tricky hem," as my tailor grandmother would roll over in her grave knowing i couldn't do such a simple alteration myself.)
* doesn't have pockets that flare out like prince charles' ears
* doesn't have back pockets with big old flaps that constantly flip up
* doesn't have extraneous zippers/buttons/embellishments
* doesn't have stupid random fading/lines
* doesn't ridiculously flare at bottom
* will be compatible with shoes of different heights
* has a smooth zipper or reliable button fly (won't pop open at all times)
* doesn't create a 'p-pocket' in the crotch when you sit down -- insinuating there is something inside standing at attention
* doesn't climb up anywhere near places it shouldn't
* doesn't make noise during walking
* doesn't get shiny after being ironed even at a low setting
* doesn't wrinkle if the wind blows
* isn't a lint magnet
* has loops that fit my belt (better yet, doesn't require one)
* doesn't look too short when you cross your legs
* doesn't bunch
* doesn't itch
* doesn't shrink
* doesn't look raggedy after one washing
* will make you look svelte
* will make you look taller
* will enhance or detract from whatever you have that is lacking or abundant
* will not be useless if your body weight changes 6 ounces one way or the other
* will not be out of style tomorrow
* can not be found on the 13-year-olds standing at the bus stop
* does not have something written across the booty
* does not cost three times its value because of the name on the tag
* can go from the grocery store to the club
* makes you feel like a million bucks.

what? am i asking too much?