Tuesday, April 26, 2005

all signs point to the mall

last week i found myself running late to work with no clean pants to wear. i hadn't gotten around to washing the work clothes during the weekend, but my jeans were crunchy from the dryer and ready to go. (thank God for the lax dresscode). unfortunately, as i hopped around trying to get them on, i noticed not one, but TWO dime-sized yellow spots at mid-calf. ugh. damn bleach. never fear, all those years of fun with colored pencils paid off and i burnished them into jeany-looking spots. you can barely tell.

the next day, i didn't learn my lesson and spent my time watching buffy the vampire slayer on dvd. (hey, it's new to me, and i still can't believe i'm this hooked) it's dangerous having access to that many episodes at once. so i had to pull out the emergency pants.

these pants seem innocent enough, but they have a secret. a foray long ago into the world of cheap detergent left permanent traces of cleaner all over them. but they're only visible in daylight. kind of like at those blacklight parties where you can see whether people use the pour-on-top-of-clothes method versus the premix-detergent-in-with-water technique. under the joy of tungsten or fluorescent lights, i'm basking in unicolor, but in the daylight, i'm rocking a khaki/white-purple cow print. the dry cleaners didn't even know what to do about it and all i got back was a nice tag that said something to the fact that they'd given up. i just don't have the heart to throw out pants that are still good when the sun goes down.

it was cloudy and my shift only contains a few hours of daylight, so i went with the emergency pants. i only had to make it from the car into the building. but ugh. were those 14 blocks painful. of course i passed every single fashionista in the city and i even saw a guy couple look me up and down. the mortification.

couple all that with the fact that everything sort of hangs wrong since i lost a little chub, and it can only mean one thing: i need to go shopping.

i accept that. i'm just dreading it. don't get me wrong, i love shopping. but shopping with something in mind (i.e. work pants) is always the most daunting and fruitless mission. that and looking for a particular-purpose shoe. when you don't need them, they're screaming to you from the nonsale rack, and when you're on the hunt, they've all hibernated for the season.

don't worry; i'm going. sometime. i don't need three strikes to know i need to hit the dugout.

11 comments:

Ale said...

that is fUUUUNNNy! Although, you have a complete wrong mindset for the "secret pants" day, let primavera teach you:
while wearing your "emergency" clothes you need to put on the happiest face that YOU HAVE EVER HAD! you need to wear those pants as if you are a FASHION GOD embodied! now all those stupid fashinista people will look and say, waw what's wrong with this girl, she looks so deliriously happy!!!! maybe she got some last night... ahhh, right, that would explain the weird pants... she is probably comming from her sex session now!!!! lucky girl!!! bravo! BRAAAAVOOO!!!!!

copy chief said...

OK, which is correct, the pour-the-detergent-on-top-of-the-clothes method, or the premix method? Is there a right or wrong way? I'm with you in the need for shopping, sister. I'm running out of clothes too, and I have no spring clothes. I gotsta hit H&M.

Jon said...

I like to toss in a blue pen with my laundry every once in awhile, you know, to keep things real. I don’t shop for clothes that often because 7 years ago, the US government informed me that according to a study they had been conducting over the previous 10 years, it was determined that I have the least fashion sense of anyone on the planet. I attribute this to the fact that my favorite color is orange, so that’s pretty much all anyone buys me for my birthday and Christmas. Consequently, I can’t help but wear outfits that are comprised entirely of orange clothing (and the fact that I refer to it as an “outfit” should set off alarms everywhere). And yes, the prison jokes do get old after awhile…

Jon said...

I like to toss in a blue pen with my laundry every once in awhile, you know, to keep things real. I don’t shop for clothes that often because 7 years ago, the US government informed me that according to a study they had been conducting over the previous 10 years, it was determined that I have the least fashion sense of anyone on the planet. I attribute this to the fact that my favorite color is orange, so that’s pretty much all anyone buys me for my birthday and Christmas. Consequently, I can’t help but wear outfits that are comprised entirely of orange clothing (and the fact that I refer to it as an “outfit” should set off alarms everywhere). And yes, the prison jokes do get old after awhile…

Jon said...

I also like to post everything twice because practice is the only way to get to Carnegie Hall...

Jon said...

I also like to post everything twice because practice is the only way to get to Carnegie Hall...

omar said...

I'm the same way with shopping. I enjoy shopping until I need to buy something specific.

I'm not with you on Buffy though. :)

Andy said...

Mental note: don't go to black light parties for fear of appearing like cow print...

Thanks for the heads up! :)

cadiz12 said...

i'm not sure, copy chief. i guess by dissolving the detergent in the water first, it's not concentrated onto whatever item of clothing was on top of the pile in the washer as you poured it in. or something.

but as most people don't walk around under blacklights, it really doesn't matter. the bottom line is that the clothes are clean. and smell like an ocean breeze.

how the hell do they figure out what an ocean breeze smells like anyway?

Ale said...

Shopping is SEXY!!!

Ale said...

oh, yeah, and its also HOT!