Tuesday, March 07, 2006


so here it is: the post commemorating one year of do they read obituaries in hell?. i wish i were clever enough to come up with a sturdy thread to justify a post-montage in the style of how sitcoms do it when they're short on material/actors/budget/time -- you know the ones: they clip together all of Clair's birthday celebrations on Cosby ('when i was mom's age, lettuce cost fifteen cents!') or when they put together snippets on Friends about how it was that monica and chandler ended up together ('oooh! but do they know that we know that they know that we know?!'). but i'm not. at least right now.

so i'll keep it simple.

i work nights. and erratic days/hours. it could be that one day i start at 1 p.m., the next: 6 p.m., the next: 4:30 p.m., and so it goes. and sometimes i'm out in the dungeon till 3 a.m. in an office. by myself. in the middle of nowhere. waiting for reports. so it really has been a blessing to stumble onto your blogs and have people stop by and leave comments about my own ramblings. and it's great that even though i don't get to talk to my friends or see them nearly as much as i'd like, they can check in and make sure that i'm still haven't lost my edge (which i sincerely hope i haven't, because that and my ability to curse people with my tongue are my claims to fame).

last year at this time i was nursing a broken heart and trying to get acclimated to this crazy schedule and the long commute that it requires. and the parking, oh the parking! and while i'm still not used to the hours, the heart's in better shape and i've discovered some cool people and even met a few of them in real life.

so thanks for reading, peeps. a special shout-out to Ale, Jon, Jazz and Omar for being around since nearly the beginning and still somehow finding their way back over here today.

and because i really can't help myself-- and mostly because the reports are going to be late and i'm pretty bored-- i think i will go ahead and throw together a few snippets of some of the things i've been through here in the last year:

"just what i need. to be stranded out on the expressway in the middle of the night/day when there is no one free to come and rescue my sorry ass. i should really invest in AAA membership." (that was the first post and i still haven't signed up for AAA.)

"i CANNOT gather the strength to do much more than watch old school reruns, pbs cartoons or talk shows before i have to go to work."

"oh damn you, starbucks!
how you lure me from afar --
just across the street"

"i was like 'please don't turn around, please don't turn around' until i got to the corner. but of course, what did he do? turned around. and STARED. like a really creepy, i'm-going-to-wait-for-you here and drag you into the closet where i keep my highly noxious-fumed cleaning products."

"* show your friend the hallway you have made a point to routinely walk through in hopes of running into the guy you like who lives there. as you pass by, some other person walking behind you turns to go into your guy's room after hearing your entire conversation. it's his roommate."

"i'll bet this chick comes back to me for some kind of recommendation in about 4 years. maybe i'll tell her, 'sorry, i'm going to cancun for spring break.'"

"and besides, i do not recall even one time when my shoelaces got stuck in the Sit'n Spin because they came untied."

"and he said, 'of course.' what i meant was 'of course you'll come with me in a cab to my car and make sure i get in it safely because it's really late and i parked under a bridge, right?' but that's not technically what i said."

"i was glued to tv at friends' houses. and it didn't matter what was on -- one time i even watched golf, just to partake in the fobidden fruit. but i never realized just how much of a the deficiency i had until i graduated high school. some kids with overprotective parents get to college and start boozing and whoring around. i sat in the dorm room and watched the mtv music awards about five times in succession."

"i think i've developed an immunity.
to my deodorant.

"under the joy of tungsten or fluorescent lights, i'm basking in unicolor, but in the daylight, i'm rocking a khaki/white-purple cow print."

"now the spirit of blood donation is one of giving, helping, sharing life with someone who may be going through a difficult time. WHY THE HELL DO THEY HAVE TO MAKE IT SUCH A F-ING PAIN IN THE ASS?"

"It was just as bad as has always been. And it still makes me suck in my breath. Like I’m seeing a piece of my own heart strapped down to the bed with 15 tubes coming out of every place not covered by a blanket. Even in his complete state of intubated ignorance, the kid was still trying to communicate: mouthing to us that he loved us, asking that the important people in his life knew it, too, and thanking us for being there. He even gestured to the nurse for a pen and paper though he didn’t have the strength to wrap his fingers around them and his eyes were still too swollen to see."

"to date, the best compliment i had gotten from her was, 'okay. your family won't starve.'"

"this guy's never going to log on again. he'll never have the chance to get an ego boost from the number of times his profile has been viewed since the beginning of the month."

"hiccups kill my street cred."

"62) i abhor my middle name. my favorite day is thursday and my favorite coin is the dime. of these things there has been absolutely no doubt since i can remember, any other favorites fluctuate constantly."

"maybe because for so long i had been doing nothing but feel. i might have overdosed. it's odd. to have the niagara falls of emotions falling out of you for so long, only to have it dried up on the day you were expecting to drown."

"usually i need a little bit of company when i'm by myself for many hours, but i don't think i thought about it for more than a second during that whole time. CC peeked out at me from backstage and later said i looked like a kid who was at the movies for the first time. i was riveted."

"this evening i was trying to get through my shift, but i couldn't concentrate on anything because a lineup of snackfoods were parading through my mind, enticing me, but not well enough that i'd want to eat any."

"i got into reading and even closed my eyes for a tiny nap when suddenly i hear, 'dude, someone took our seats! i guess we'll have to sit here,' coming from right behind me! holy chainsaws, i thought i was going to lose it."

"miss daisy duke has nice legs, but honestly not much of a booty. that probably speaks to how our image of what's attractive on a woman has evolved over the years, too. and for that i must say, 'thank you, jennifer lopez.'"

"you can only soak up so many boxes of kleenex before the pity party gets played out."

" 'let me tell you something, guy. NO girl likes being touched by a strange man, especially in that manner! what a crock of crap, 'i thought she'd like it.' you know, you give [shared ethnicity] a bad name! keep your damn hands to yourself!' "

"so next time you happen to hear me say, 'dude, i really could use some caffeine,' i think you should stand in front of me, put your hands on my shoulders, look me straight in the eye and, in a firm and clear voice, yell at the top of your lungs, 'NO FREAKING WAY.'"

" * the best hostesses know the first thing to get for a guest is a drink"

"let's not even get started on my rap-along skills ('mumblemumblemumble, uh, um... WOW HOW NOW, WOWHOWNOWBROWNCOW!')"

"but what i really detest more than all the rest is shopping for pants. seriously, it SUCKS."

"i'm supposed to be cheery and chatty and not annoyed that someone wants to know how i'm doing. i don't want to be like those ugly old people who yell at the kids who disturb their gardenias by letting the kickball fly into their yard. well, at least not for another fifty years."

"and on top of that, all four of them had matching annoying little oldschoolpajamatype sleeping hats -- you know, the ones that have the long tail that ends in a poufy pom pom? -- WITH STRIPES. it was like a freaking Gap commercial right there in the parking lot!"

"but inside i was thinking to myself, 'damn, i hope i have that much fun when i'm fifty.' "

"she was meticulous and thorough, which are great qualities to have when you're shopping. but not when you're in an underwear store with your ten-year-old son."

"and it all started because of that damn two-dollar brownie. but i have no regrets. that thing was really good."

"who says the sparkle in your life has to come from a diamond? i'm rocking some boring silver earrings i bought at Claire's Boutique in 1997 for ten bucks."

"maybe it's just a cost-effective measure: remove any absolutely unecessary letters and save some cash? dude, pat sajak and vanna white want their little wheel of fortune charge-for-vowels trick back."


cadiz12 said...

oops, i didn't think that'd be so long.

omar said...

It's that long because you're that good! My three favorite "dyroih" moments (in no particular order):

1) The hyena running down the street. It wasn't the first post of yours that I read, but it's the earliest one that has stuck with me. Anytime I see an unidentified wild animal, I now assume it's either a jackal or a hyena.

2) The anonymous commenter who restored your faith in the internet.

3) Your one year post, when you gave me a shout out.

Congrats on your one year blog anniversary!

Jon said...

Happy one year my dear. I think my favorite part is definitely when you didn’t kick my ass for making fun of you the first time we met. I can’t believe it’s been a whole year!!! Where does the time go? I also check in on your rants and raves religiously. I’m kind of addicted. Again, Happy one year Blogiversary!! Thanks for the shout out too ;)

'ka said...

happy anniversary! you really do have an interesting blog :)

jazz said...

i'm with omar on the hyena.

and thank thank the lord for that anon commenter.

honestly, the world IS a better place because of your blog and those lyrics. i'm sure someone of immense power will recognize this blog for what it is...the modern day bible.

happy anniversary baby!

Katie said...

I've been missing this for a whole year? That's just sad... really, really depressing. Loved your look backs, if only because I'm so out of the loop. But someday, when I'm really bored, heartbroken, and in need of Blog solace, I'll come running here.

Happy Blogiversary!

cadiz12 said...

aww, thanks guys.

one overwhelmingly obvious thing i found out from skimming through all the old stuff is that i really need a copyeditor. those people just don't get enough credit.

Farah said...

Cadiz, happy anniversary!
*raises champagne glass*
'Twas about three months ago that I stumbled upon your greatness, while I was bored at work, and have been hooked ever since. Awesome montage.
Totally on par with friends and cosby.

Modern Viking said...

Happy anniversary :)

Mine is still a week away, but I couldn't put together a montage of this caliber if I tried, so I won't! I especially loved the Starbucks haiku :)

Here's to another year!