Thursday, September 22, 2005

how the Internet broke my heart

**disclaimer** this is a true story. it may prompt you to take action. which may lead to frustration. continue reading at your own risk.

two years ago, a coworker and i were talking about old-school dance songs we secretly loved. after the obvious ice ice babys and bell biv devoe, i brought up a song that has always made me smile -- one that i rarely hear. i believe it's called 'dangerous on the dance floor,' by Musto & Bones. we reminisced about Rita and her remarkable moves, and i even admitted that back when i was 11, it took me a minute to figure out which article of clothing the 'over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder' was referring to (what can i say? i was slower then).

we agreed that those lyrics were pretty funny, and i wanted to check out the rest. i turned to my rock, my reliable, bet-settling, go-to pal: Google. it was a tricky search, so i put in phrases that included the title and what i could remember, the name of the album:'The Future is Ours,' Musto & Bones, and even their first names, one of which i think is Tony. i found the cd for sale, reviews, people referencing the song and lots and lots of message board comments.

but no lyrics.

'this cannot be!' i exclaimed. 'why, the Internet knows no bounds; it has EVERYTHING! you just have to know how to find it. i must be doing something wrong.'

i considered it a challenge. for two days only the bare minimum as far as actual work was done in my cubicle, where a legendary quest had begun. i tried different search engines, databases -- blogs, even -- but couldn't seem to find the gd words. i mean, the lyrics are compelling, they're fast and the song has a pretty good beat, from what i remember. why wouldn't some mope want to archive it for all eternity on the world wide web? But as the search continued in its fruitless state, i started to look for the why. all i could come up with was 1990. that's when it was made. and by the time the Internet was taking off, that was too soon to be considered 'old' but too old to be considered 'current.' besides, fans of that song would be way past that moony teenage window of excitement and devotion wherein people invest hundreds of hours posting lyrics when they first discover online publishing. plus, i'm pretty sure it was a one-hit wonder.

so, putting the fear of my own ineptitude aside, i picked up the phone to dial the second most reliable source of information: my local library.

'this is the library, can i help you?'

'hello, um, i have sort of an odd question. you see, i'm trying to find the lyrics to this, er, song from the '90s.'

'well, do you have the artist and title?

'yes. dangerous on the dance floor by Musto & Bones, off the 1990 album, the future is ours.'

'i totally remember that song! man, when we were in college, we'd always dance to that one! ha ha! i haven't thought of that song in years. 'she's dangerous on the daance floooor, dangerous!' '

'yep. that's the one. i just can't seem to find the lyrics.'

'oh, don't you worry; i'll find them. it should be easy. is there a number i can reach you at this afternoon? oh, this will be the most fun thing i've had to research all day.'


yeah, so she called back. to say she'd had no luck.

i still persevered for a couple weeks after that, but never did find the lyrics. it was a difficult moment in my life. you see, the two most reliable sources of information had failed me. my foundation was shaken. and it took a good long while before i could trust google again, however, i can't complain; it hasn't failed me once since. but now i know it's not omnipotent. it was a little like that time when i was 15 when it started to sink that my dad doesn't know everything, afterall. it was a crushing blow.

i had tucked this away in my memory until just recently, when i was talking to a very savvy computer person. i casually mentioned how google had failed me, and he immediately scoffed. so i challenged him to find the answer, even promising to be his best friend-- a reward i don't just throw around. he came back just as frustrated and jaded as i am. if you're reading this, my friend, i know you haven't totally given up on the web. i'm sorry, buddy.

it's a bitter pill to swallow, but sadly, i have learned: even The Internet has its limits.

24 comments:

omar said...

Internet, she didn't mean it. You don't have boundaries.

highcontrast said...

back to rita and her big 'ole butt! dangerous! WOO WOO!

Lia said...

i'd never have thought that the internet's boundaries lay near song lyrics. there are things i have trouble finding, but never anything that "normal" people would be interested in.

did you try the lyrics search engines? like lyrics.com, azlyrics.com

type into google "song lyrics" and it returns all these lyrics search engines. i've usually found what i wanted.

oh, the pain!

Jon said...

Work officially being pushed aside (like I needed an excuse) Challenge accepted. Back in jiff…

Jon said...

What the crap?!?!!? This has got to be some sort of conspiracy. It would seem as though these are highly sought after song lyrics, yet no one has been able to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and right this wrong. I’m officially filing a grievance with my congressman.

Lia said...

yeah, jon. i looked too, and came up empty handed.

DCveR said...

Amazing! I was just thinking about my first computer experiences, back in the days of punching holes in cards, after reading another post on another blog regarding internet and its expansion.
The internet is growing into the future and into the past, some things are left behind... This is a discrete infinite universe, that item just hasn't yet been created here.

Guyana-Gyal said...

Someone, right now, is posting those lyrics. You just wait and see...

Syar said...

Google hasn't failed me yet, but now I fear the day when it will. *weeps*

Modern Viking said...

It's... not... possible...

Ale said...

google doesnt have everything- i know its hard to realize-- but i've found some very specific things on smaller engines that google didnt have. www.ask.com

also, try some foreign search engines as well,
i checked for you and couldnt find... but i didnt look too long- did get their first names:

Tommy Musto and Frankie Bones-
go get em'!

Modern Viking said...

I have never seen anything like this. I've never even heard of the song, but I spent 3 hours looking for it last night before I quit. I found a ton of useless info about Musto and Bones, their entire life stories. But not a single set of lyrics. It is the first time I've seen Copernic Agent fail to find something. I was this close to downloading a bootleg of the pro version so I could tap into all the international search engines...

Then I remembered it's not my problem and went to sleep :)

Ale said...

its not your problem today- but it's all of our problem tomorow....

jk-

cadiz- SP is broken!!!!!

jazz said...

damn girl. i spent a good 45 min looking for it to...to no avail.

i found a site that said it had "dangerous on the dance floor" lyrics but the whole site was in some asian language. i couldn't tell what the links were that i was clicking and i couldn't translate it either. that's as close as i got!

Syar said...

asian language? maybe I can help. still no luck, cadiz?

Anonymous said...

I was also searching for the dangerous lyrics with no avail. Found this, guess I'll stop searching now.

Anonymous said...

Boy, I was looking for the same thing. It's comforting to know that there are others out there like me.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe that these lyrics aren't available anywhere! It's a beloved 90s anthem. I have to admit that there were plenty of phrases in the song that I was always curious about -- could never quite make them out. A lyric sheet would a lot. Keep searching!

cadiz12 said...

anonymous, someone posted the lyrics in the comments of another of my posts. you can find them if you click on the link below under "links to this post." hope that helps. :)

Anonymous said...

Great minds think alike. I too was looking for the lyrics and found them. here's a link

http://www.letssingit.com/?/musto-bones-dangerous-on-the-dance-floor-crnn2qw.html

Anonymous said...

About once a year for a few years now, I'd go on a fruitless search for that song. All I remembered were a few lyrics, and nothing ever came up 'til now. Thanks, and thanks to anonymous (above) for linking the lyrics.

"big butt movin' (In A) strokin' pattern
the crowd made a circle like the ring around saturn"

"takin em on two at a time
her lips her hips and her big behind"

kristina said...

I know a girl by the name of Rita
light skinned Puerto Rican, I call Mita
the way she moves i can't ignore
shes a porno flick on the dance floor

twistin churnin drips of sweat
a little bass thump, rita's wet
once she's thru fellas flock to her
girls clock while the beat just rocks her side to side
the beat goes boom
the new jack is up sayin give me some room
once again rita's ready with a smile on her face
the crowd breaks north givin rita space
big butt movin' n strokin' pattern
the crowd made a cirle like the ring around saturn
as for the new jack he just consumed
his body mutilated like he just been chewed

she's dangerous on the dance floor
she's dangerous on the dance floor
she's dangerous on the dance floor
she's dangerous on the dance floor

puff puff goes down the house
the latin n satin make the big butt bounce
swing it left to right and right to left
the video venus dont miss a step
she wears leather n lace a skirt made of satin
you like her, ya love her, dont love the loose latin
on and on she'll never stop
its party time n she wants to rock
one by one her buttons drop
little wiggle in the middle
no more top
the bassline comes, rita jumps
she humps pumps n throws those chumps
fellas flock to her 3 or 4
2 of em leave cant take no more
always ready rita's ready triple x
on the dance floor shes havin sex
takin em on two at a time
her lips her hips n her big behind
what's this rich kids says 'excuse me miss'
rita's not havin it
'but i insist either bust a move or move your bust'
your breasts your chest or your big ol butt


back to rita and the dance floor porn
shakin it shakin it all night long
keep it up dance
how long can u last?
the tempo's fast
shake that ass
move it move it every position
flow go, no intermission
the crowd is drawn
fellas droolin
girls can you do what rita's doin?
ho style loose n wild
her style mean wow youll smile at yer f'in dial

she's dangerous on the dance floor
she's dangerous on the dance floor
she's dangerous on the dance floor
she's dangerous on the dance floor

guys stop to watch the x-rated dance
some are shamed by the stands in they pants
your heart stops, mouth drops, pulse is weak
pant like a dog from the body heat
she wore butt huggers
they were snug as a bug
my advice to the brothas
wear Jimmy & Cluggs
no one can chill cuz they all attracted
to her over the shoulder boulder holders
strapped in her back end
back to reality back to life
back to the beats of friday nights
hurt me hurt me worse know why?
people cant party its no surprise
dont slip dont trip just hold yer grip
she's rita go see her she's fully-equipped
goin round n round
up and down
stompin her feet
against the ground
guys eyes glued to her thighs
rise on they thighs, 9 inches high
the latin in satin some call her a stripper
shoulda zigged but ya zagged
and ya broke ya zipper
always ready ritas ready givin ya more
shes not at ya local video store

she's dangerous on the dance floor

bass's thump bouncin off the wall
rita wont drive cuz she's havin a ball
this urban queen rules the hip house scene
lean mean n full of steam
breakin all back standin on the block
in the middle of the dance floor youll get rocked
rita's rugged
leave her alone
she get you on the bone
send you home
porno flick her performin' art
on the mark rita's ready to start
move smooth in the groove
rita will prove she's in the mood
dirty dancer she does it best
6 feet under is where you'll rest
6 and 9 on the behind
just like fine wine she improves with time

from dawn to dusk she'll do it all night
i hope u can see her this friday night
but if you cant dont get uptight
someone's always on em with the mic at night
crank it crank it pump that bass
rita's wearin leather n lace
big butt swingin from left to right
drippin n strippin on a friday night
she rita go see her
light skinned mira
times runnin on your meter
so meet her, Rita
move me move me rita moans
dont dance alone work it to the bone
if youre lucky she'll take ya home
to a penthouse apartment on Cribben Road
feel the s&m
on your fm
if you can't see her
where have you been?
it's a groove me move me movie
starring rita and her booty
and yours truly
P.C.P.
who could ask for more
she's dangerous on the dance floor

she's dangerous on the dance floor
she's dangerous on the dance floor
she's dangerous on the dance floor
she's dangerous on the dance floor

kristina said...

oops! i just saw the link. sorry.

b girl said...

i'm trying to find the song "b boys" actually. any one know where i can find that one?