for sale: slightly used death traps (3 pair, size 37 european)*

this is a pretty long recap, so for those of you who want to cut to the chase, i offer a headline-only preface.

THE GIST:

cadiz still has all her limbs, thanks for asking
friends are now married
maid of honor not assassinated for speech
undersides of feet likened to those of cane-beaten prisoners in bollywood films
H on plane back to cali

THE DETAILS:

after the rehearsal dinner (for which i feel i was overdressed; what's the protocol for that anyhow? people were all over the spectrum) we ate food catered from the place r and c had their first date and where c proposed. afterward, ale, kaiya and i took care of a little last minute shopping, i caught a catnap on kaiya's couch and headed off to pick up H.

hotel for mr. california
the sketchy hotel was just that. the area seemed seedy at 1 a.m., but the place was booked solid and there were actually some non-drugdealer looking people in the lobby. so i was fine. the room was clean, but looked like it hadn't been redecorated since 1984, except the shower, which looked pretty new. it was only lacking a few items: shampoo/conditioner, the door to the freezer part of the minifridge, a towel bar or toilet paper holder and an alarm clock. the tv had knobs, but we didn't think to check if it was color. bottom line, even though i tossed and turned the whole time dreaming i got arrested for mistaken identity in a drug bust, there were no hookers in sight and we didn't get mugged at knifepoint. H drove me to r's house at 7 a.m.

the 'dos
for 7 a.m. on the day of her wedding, r was surprisingly calm. i think the only problem in the hair/makeup session was that r lost the back of her earring down the front of her dress and had to take it off and scour the floor for it. that and i was forced to wear crocs to get starbucks and had to balance 5 coffees and bagels while powerwalking because i didn't want anyone to capture this on film. as we left, everyone looked radiant, especially the bride. but it was 95-plus degrees, humid and beaded satin doesn't breathe well.

before the bubbles
at the ceremony, things went according to plan; there were indian traditions in the mix, too, and it was lovely. as much as i say i wouldn't want hoopla for my own big deal, there is something nice about doing the God part in a house of God. afterward, they were driven off in a rolls royce silver wraith that was actually silver. i had to try not to limp out of the church because, despite my dr. scholl's gel pad inserts, the shoes we chose to go with our dresses were instruments of slow and painful torture cleverly disguised as sexy spindlyheeled silver stunners that we couldn't complain about because we chose them ourselves.

storming the castle
H was kind enough to drive me (my driving foot was throbbing from standing through the ceremony) and two other hobbling bridesmaids all the way to the castle, where we saw peacocks and some type of ostrich/emu fowl parading the premises. the castle was beautiful (you will probably see pictures if you go to ale's in the next couple days). however, the air conditioning in the hall where they were having the reception was not working.

getting toasty
everything was great; the best man and i were trading jabs about preparedness for the speeches we were slated to give. i have to admit, i didn't really want to share what i was planning (which wasn't anything concrete because i hated everything i had come up with in the last few months) because i didn't want him to steal all my ideas and then hand the microphone to me so i could say, 'yeah, what he said. to r and c!' but we figured out the gist so we wouldn't overlap. he started to get nervous and i tried to convince myself of what i was saying to reassure him, too: that he'd be fine, they chose him for a reason, and just to look at them and say what comes to mind and all will be fine if he just enunciates and speaks into the mic.

when we were called, i took my champagne glass (thanks, becky) and joined bestman at the stage. he put his glass on the music stand in front of us and it started to roll off the edge as he started his speech. i caught it and held it while he told the guests about a basketball trading card (kendall gill, rookie sensation), over which he and c didn't speak for years and had it as a prop. it was a very nice touch. people laughed and the bride and groom were touched. so of course i knew the pressure was on.

before the wedding, i had written out a speech, then folded it up and written crib notes during the day as things came to me. but i didn't look at it because as i gripped the mic and the glass, i had no free hand. besides, as the video will later show, even though my mind was pretty calm, the glass-holding hand was shaking so violently that i had to hold it against my body to keep from spilling. thank God they don't fill those things more than halfway.

i looked around and just told the story as i would have done a blog post. how r and i met, things we did together growing up, how we encountered c, how i knew there was something brewing, how she said 'c is going to be my husband' after their very first date, and how they still look at each other the same way they did in the beginning. i wished them the best. the bride got teary, so i felt pretty good about it. i was so glad it was over, i got myself a drink.

after hours
the rest of the night was great. the happy couple sang a duet c wrote for the occasion, there were lots of pictures, hand-shaking, booty-shaking (the band was excellent). even our friend who is due in six days got up for "let's get it on" (her husband turned to me and said, 'yeah, we were listening to this song about nine months ago; i've gotta find her for this one.')

after all was said and done, we piled into cars and went to the hotel to crash. the only thing that was open was mcdonalds. as i rolled down the window and stared at the menu, the freaking sprinklers went on and splashed me in the face. now WHY mickey d's would need to water the tiny speakerbox island at 10 pm, and moreover, point one of the sprinklers right toward a customer's car window, i have no idea. but it reminded me of when i was at cc's beach wedding and there was a light shower right after the wedding and the minister said it was a blessing from above. i'm going to go ahead and take that as a thumbs up from the sprinkler gods for making it through the day. and i rewarded myself with a hot apple pie.



*seriously, if you need these for a wedding party, or any occasion for that matter, they're pretty. but only for walking down the aisle and pictures. if you want to try and dance in them, don't blame me when the balls of your feet swell to the size of golf balls.