letter of the law

'hey daddy, where's that drivers' license facility you said isn't as busy? i have to get a state i.d. card.'

'it's just off church road. short lines, only takes ten minutes and you're done. all you have to do is show the yellow slip they gave you when you got pulled over.'

'uh, dad, i just realized i accidentally put my copy of the speeding ticket in with the check i mailed back to wisconsin.'

'WHAT?! why did you do that?! do you realize that you're essentially driving without a license? if you get stopped now, THEY'RE GOING TO PUT YOU IN JAIL!'

'man, you're always trying to scare me! why do you do that?'

'i'm not trying to scare you. i'm your father, i'm just looking out for you. that wasn't a very smart thing to do. why didn't you ask me if you didn't know?'

'i DID know, i just made a mistake.'

'when did you send it?'

'monday.'

'you've been driving around for FOUR DAYS like this? ugh. cadiz, what am i going to do with you? okay, just call the people out there and ask them to fax you a copy of the ticket. you've been lucky, but you don't want another ticket, do you?'

***

'hello, i was pulled over in your town a couple of weeks ago and i accidentally enclosed my copy of the ticket in with the payment of the fine. is there any way you can please fax it to me?'

'well ma'am, i just sent several things that were back from municipal court out yesterday, have you checked your mail?'

'i haven't received it. but i would feel better having some kind of proof of ticket.'

'well, i could fax it to you, but frankly ms. cadiz, i feel uncomfortable sending you that kind of information. the ticket has a lot of pertinent information about you, and i can't be sure it's really you who's requesting it.'

'what? who else would want a copy of a speeding ticket?'

'i know, ma'am, but i'm just trying to protect you. i wouldn't want to be responsible for things like your driver's license number and date of birth getting into the wrong hands. don't worry, if your license isn't in the mail today, it will be there tomorrow. and if you are stopped by your local authorities in the meantime, feel free to give them this number and we can verify that we issued you a ticket and that your driver's license is in the mail.'

'... i see.'

'thank you, and have a good day.'

***

'oh my god, can you believe they won't fax me my ticket? it was that same jerk who pulled me over in the first place! i recognized his name and by-the-book sanctimony. UGH! now what the hell am i going to do? show my passport when i get carded at dinner?'

'wait, when did they say you should get your license back in the mail?'

'today, why?'

'did you check already?'

'no, the mail wasn't here yet when i had first called and i thought it wouldn't be a big deal for him to fax it.'

'uh, because this envelope is addressed to you. from wisconsin.'

'are you kidding? it's my freaking license!'

'you can never do anything the easy way, can you?'

hot ticket

Dear people responsible for creating and maintaining the mindboggling, counterintuitive red-tape of the United States' method of medical insurance:

i hate you.

when you arrive, i hope your skin bubbles into searing pustules that explode upon contact with the dry, hot atmosphere of HELL.

thank you, that is all.

love, cadiz

"Welcome to the 21st century. Finally."

i got cable.

a dish to be specific, with a loooooot of channels. CABLE TELEVISION! with a dvr!

yeah, so if you don't hear from me for awhile, it's because i'll be extremely busy watching TRL, E! True Hollywood Story, Mythbusters, the Real World, SportsCenter, The Daily Show, A Baby Story and all of the other crap that i've pretended to know about for all these years. a girl's gotta figure out what she's been missing.

my only problem is that i'll have to find something else to complain about. i'm sure it won't be that hard.

got a light?

saturday, cc and i went to Chicago Rocks, a hip hop showcase of home-grown mcs, (and talent that claims roots in Chicago). I was already in the mood to see some good stuff because i had gone to see cc and her crew dance at a performance earlier that day. Some of the noteables at the second day of the fest were Rhymefest, Naledge, Juice and the one everyone has been buzzing about, Lupe Fiasco (who wasn't on for very long).

there was breaking, paintings and a lot of love for the city--people hollered out for all sides but east, and threw up hands with fingers curled in a 'C.' it was a pretty good show. the only damper, however, was this annoying broad standing directly in front of me. she had long hair pulled into a low ponytail. now, i'm all for low-maintenance hair, but DAMN, if your hair is so dry and prickly that it sticks out farther sideways than longways, you are in need of product! this pissed me off because a) i couldn't see around her lightbrown puffball b) i couldn't move any closer for fear of being scratched c) she pounded about 5 beers and was dancing all offbeat and crazy, so i couldn't concentrate on what i paid to see because i was bobbing and weaving trying to avoid being stabbed.

i don't smoke and this may sound nasty, but that's an instance where i wished lighting up was still allowed inside. one errant glowing red tip and that puffyass bouncing bird's nest would have gone up like a stack of matches.

truly outrageous

'i didn't realize there were cartoons on in the morning until i was in like 5th grade.'

'are you KIDDING me?!'

'it's no joke. of course then i was waking up before the sun was out to catch as many as i could before school. and saturday, forget it.'

'i loved cartoons any time of the day, but even that couldn't get me out of bed early. except maybe for the 'Smurfs'.'

'yeah, i remember all those really good shows. like 'Transformers.' but then they go and put 'Jem' on. then 'Thundercats.' what a way to mess with a lineup. i always thought it was such a mistake. it should have gone straight from 'Transformers' to 'Thundercats.' none of that 'Jem' nonsense. they could have just shown two 'Transformers' instead.'

'but Jem is excitement. oooo-oooh, Jem is adventure! c'mon, dude, that was a good show.'

'uh, Jem sucks.'

'whatever. i'll bet you got your ear pierced with the secret hope that one day, you too could have a magical earring turn you into a superstar.'

'nah uuuh.'

speed trap

this weekend, we went on a road trip. we took our bride-to-be, r, for a weekend of relaxation out in the country. with the crossing of state lines and having to be there by 8 a.m. sharp, we had to hit the road at 5 a.m. and even though i couldn't sleep a wink, we left at 5:40. I tried to make up for it by pushing my little black car beyond the speed of sound and passing every loser in the left lane who didn't get the hell out of my way.

i was feeling pretty good, we were going to barely make it in time. but unfortunately, about a mile and a half from our destination on a two-lane highway that cut through farm fields, we thought to pass the two cars in front of us. i hesitated a bit, but went ahead-- just as i caught sight of a cop sitting in a gravel parking lot up ahead. sure enough, the flashing bubbles went off as soon as i passed. i was cited for speeding (53 in a 30). his police-speech seemed well rehearsed; he didn't want to hear anything about how it was legally 55 where we started to pass, there wasn't a 'no passing' sign and that he stopped us about ten feet after the speed was reduced to 30. He simply told me i should feel real lucky he wasn't citing me for passing at an intersection (that dirt driveway counts as an intersection?) and took my license away. i can only get it back in the mail for $129. as i drove away in shame, the cop stopped up a block, got out of the squad car and adjusted a street sign that had been tilting slightly to the left.

needless to say, we arrived late. the first appointment we were scheduled for was a 50-minute massage that cost a pretty penny. but because we were late, it was cut to 30 minutes. i was trying very hard not to think about how that stupid cop not only got me for the price of the ticket, but also for $176 dollars' worth of our massages. i just couldn't relax. later, however, the woman giving r a pedicure told her that the town we were stopped in (Walworth, WI) has very little going on to keep the police busy. she said that her ten-year-old daughter was riding her bike there and came home with a ticket-- for failing to use an arm signal at a stop sign. so that jerk would have gotten me for something either way. after that, i was able to fully enjoy the steam room, sauna, hot tub and pool.

when i woke up this morning i found out that my license plate sticker had been expired. ha! you missed that one, you nitpicky bastard.

i know not what i do

to anyone whom i may have snapped at/barked at/whined at/slammed a door on/stomped away from/made a nasty remark to (even if it was the truth)/cut off/tailgated/glared at/honked at/sneered at/made to slow down because i walked in front of even though the sign said 'don't walk'/didn't engross in witty banter with/didn't cooperate with/didn't listen to/looked oddly at/given a hard time to/rolled my eyes at today:

stop pissing me off.

just let me be mad and don't say 'tivo'

i was really looking forward to seeing the new episodes of 'The Amazing Race' and 'Lost' tonight. i spent 15 minutes programming my roommate's new dvd/vcr. what i didn't realize until i came home and had time for a test was that "program" only means number of time and settings show up in the display corner for the alloted time and absolutely NOTHING gets recorded.

i am livid.

twilight zone

last weekend, we had tickets to a comedy show that H really wanted to see. the venue was an old-school renovated theater i had seen in a newspaper article years ago-- quaint, like a toned-down version of 'The Majestic.' and the name of the town was familiar, too, in an i-saw-it-on-a-high-school-letterman's-jacket-at-the-mall kind of way.

the plan was that we'd get an early dinner at one of my favorite spots in the city and head out to the show with plenty of time to spare. it was a good plan. well thought-out, even. to avoid confusion, i had written out the directions and grabbed my trusty map (because everyone knows a car ride with cadiz includes at least one three-point turn). but as we got our bearings, it seemed the destination was a little farther than i had estimated. about 25 miles farther.

we decided it'd be less of a hassle to grab some food near the theater; that way we wouldn't risk being late rushing through dinner. and if we made it a light meal, we could swing by the original restaurant on the way back and have a leisurely meal without the crowd. everybody wins.

this would have been a grand plan if we had known anything about the place we were going.

the road into town had an industrial feel. like any other suburb, there were gas stations, fast-food joints and a kmart. but there were also dilapidated warehouses and factories, remnants of an old steel plant. and churches, lots of churches. there was probably a house of worship on every block, if not two, and one across the street for good measure. now, i'm all for having choices, especially when it comes to something as personal as prayer, but the reason the abundance of them seemed so odd was because there were no people.

sure, on the neighborhoody outskirts, an occasional grandmother shuffled up the sidewalk with a toddling grandbaby, or a hooded teenager coasted by on a mountain bike. but as soon as we turned onto Main Street and entered downtown, it was as though every living soul had run for the hills. i was half expecting tumbleweed to roll by at the stop sign. there were endless parking meters on either side of the street. dated photographs in a portrait studio window had faded to a monotone shade of tan, the edges curling. there were boarded-up businesses. a bank that looked as though it hadn't been updated since the '60s. a corner building had a vertical sign that said 'restaurant' in big green letters, across its windows painted 'the best chinese/japanese food in town' in big loopy letters. it was dismal. it was dreary. it was dead. it was five p.m. on a saturday afternoon. we parked ten feet from the entrance to the theater and didn't even bother to refill the meter. who was going to ticket us?

walking around, we got more and more creeped out by the silence. even the Subway sandwich shop we went into for a snack exuded an eerie aura; the only real sound was the hum of the ceiling fans. H and i became uncomfortable, convinced that this was exactly what a bustling town would look like five years after body snatchers invaded, turning townspeople into zombies or however it goes in those black-and-white horror movies. we just couldn't figure it out. especially because it seemed so full of potential: fairly close to the city, interesting but rundown architecture and most of all, right on lake michigan. it's appalling that property with even a sliver's view of the same body of water goes for hundreds of thousands of dollars an hour south, and this town was enjoying a full-on gaze from crumbly apartments with overgrown trees or boarded-up windows.

we were eating our sandwiches quietly, save for a few wide-eyed whispers about how odd the place was, for about fifteen minutes before the door jangled and some red-faced frat boys came in. it was obvious they were also in town for the show. and by the time we got up to leave, many more people were out on the street, a steady stream making their way into the theater lobby from all directions. like zombies.

when we found our seats in the theater, everything seemed perfectly normal. the show was hilarious. H half-expected the comedian to remark about the creepiness of the town, but he didn't. for a couple hours, we relaxed, and when the show was over, the crowd filed out and people got into their suvs and sedans. but because of our prime parking, we had to wait until traffic dispersed. then we buckled up, turned on the tunes and joined the tail end of a parade of cars headed up Main Street toward the highway and out of town. as i made the turn, i caught sight of that lonely little intersection in my rearview mirror, empty once again.

i couldn't get out of there fast enough.