Monday, February 05, 2007

what's the opposite of The Decider?

most people feel bound by guidelines, but i'm good at working within constraints. especially when cool higherups set the rules and say "go!" it worked for me in school Odyssey of the Mind competitions, which required inventing a device to accomplish a list of ridiculous things such as dropping an egg 10 feet without breaking it, putting out a candle flame, popping a balloon from 20 feet away, powering it with a brick, etc. why? because a) i'm very competitive b) i love a challenge and c) my creativity gets kickstarted by a) and b). also, the trickier the parameters the better my performance, and if there's a tight deadline, even better. it's insane, but it's how i roll.

for example, a couple of years ago cc asked me to be the maid of honor in her wedding. it was going to be a very intimate tropical affair and i would be the sole female attendant. normal people would be overjoyed: essentially, cc was awesome and said i could wear whatever the hell i wanted, in any color. perfect! however, i proceeded to freak out in every way, dragged the bride all over town for months trying on dresses and finally ended up sewing my own frock-- finishing the hem ten minutes before the ceremony while sitting in the beauty parlor with pins in my mouth and a needle in my hand as cc was having her hair done. it worked out all right, but the tranquil environment is probably the only thing that offset the ulcer growing in the pit of my stomach.

i know, i'm a freak. but this tendency poses a serious problem when it comes to sky's-the-limit situations. like right now, as i'm facing my ultimate personal nightmare: the opportunity to go pretty much anywhere.

it's been a little more than a month since i left the dungeon. now i'm half living downtown and half in suburbia, watching my savings slide down the drain called COBRA health insurance, but i'm looking into a private policy. i'm working part-time in a sector of my field that i might pursue; maybe having it on there will keep employers from throwing out my resume for lack of specific experience, but i don't often hear back from them. in the meantime, my boyfriend says he'd consider moving to wherever i find a job, my parents are being very supportive and my friends are sharing contact information.

anybody else would see this as an opportunity of a lifetime, but i'm chained to a fear that i'll get trapped in limbo and make a hasty decision to get out that will lead to decades of strife and misery. this sickness of uncertainty would probably dissolve if i sucked it up and made up my mind about what i wanted. but i'd rather crawl under the covers and not think about having to decide.

10 comments:

omar said...

Maybe not to the same extreme, but I also find that I work best under pressure and within constraints.

I don't look fondly upon my days of paying for health insurance out of pocket. Best of luck, cadiz. I'm sure you'll be fine. And if you guys end up in NY, we'll all go out to dinner. Jasmine's treat.

Radioactive Jam said...

Lyric from a song I like:
Now as soon as I'm moving my choice is good

That's how it will be for you.
:-)

highcontrast said...

come to nyc. you can crash on the aero mattress til H makes his way eastward, and we can eat cupcakes. jasmine's treat.

The Stormin Mormon said...

Ugh...

Private Health Insurance...

Jon said...

Well, it sounds like you’ve got good support no matter what, and it sounds like at the very least, you should visit NY just to have Jasmine treat everything…

ale said...

sorry, i know i'm supposed to be positive and shit, but i think its gonna be strife and misery NO MATTER WHERE YOU WORK so might as well be miserable where they pay you most.


i've had the privilage of getting my "dream job" experience out of the way early in my career to help me realize there is NO IDEAL JOB everyplace is a bloodsucking shithole - so might as well work where you can slack off and get paid the most (only in big corporate)

Syar said...

I feel this way exactly right now. Every other day its "Syar, where will you be doing your internship this April?" and "Syar, where will you be doing your degree?"

My dad's all for what I want to do, everyone else thinks I can succeed at anything I pick and get in anywhere and people are willing to make things work.

But I'm so crippled with fear that I'm considering staying home for the rest of my life. Ok, maybe not crippled, but the wanting-to-stay-home-and-not-decide thing is still true.

This doesn't help you, I know. But with that determination, I know that you (just like I know that I will) hunker down and decide and make the best of whatever you decide. It'll happen right?

Good luck.

Ale said...

yeah come to NY and I can come to hang out since Jasmine is treating

wheheeeeee!

ML said...

Insurance premiums are so high, it's a wonder any of us can get proper health care.

I hope you find something that gives you better options!

Guyana-Gyal said...

Okay, take a deeeep breath Chicken Licken, trust me, the sky won't fall. I know what I'm saying, I sometimes fight against the urge to write / predict my future that might just not happen that way. Fear of the unknown is the pits, eh? Truth is, things can work out MUCH BETTER than you'd imagined!