cursed

'yeah, so these people from work who have season tickets might sell their tickets and then take the seats next to us at tomorrow's game.'

'so, who are these people with season tickets....?'

'the guy who got me those tickets last year. but i've forgiven him.'

'oh... so why don't you ask them if they want to sell some games this year?'

'i thought you said last week that they're not worth watching because of that whole derek lee thing.'

'yeah, but i was in an upset state then.'

'ah, okay. well then i'll see.'

'you know, it's gotten to the point where the General Manager needs to take a billy goat out on michigan avenue.'

'because of the curse?'

'yeah, i was talking to someone related to the organization and i asked him if he believed in curses. the guy was like, 'if you asked me before 2003, i would have said no, but now...' because you know that guy with the goat said 'you'll never win a pennant or a championship ever again.' just because they kicked out his smelly goat.'

'what happened in 2003 again? didn't they win?'

'cadiz. do you even LIVE in chicago?!'

'yeah, why?'

'in 2003, they were 5 outs away from winning the pennant and then that f-er Steve Bartman reached out and ruined it. it's a curse, i tell you.'

'i thought you don't believe in that stuff.'

'yeah, but this is about SPORTS, cadiz.'

we don't communicate anymore, vanna

i make it a point to turn my phone to silent when i'm at work, mostly because there just aren't long enough breaks to eat all my dinner in one sitting, let alone converse with someone unrelated to the task at hand. but i also do it because i know it would only ring when i'm at the printer or the bathroom and i just don't have a forcefield strong enough to deflect the kind of collective deathray gaze that would incite. yet i don't turn it off, because i can usually peek at text messages and reply via e-mail. plus, you never know when something important will come up.

tonight i was skimming reports when from my jacket pocket i heard the increasingly loud beginning of 'with you,' the only ringtone my phone offers that makes me smile, even from the depths of REM sleep. it was my college roommate, pp, who i rarely chat with because she gets up at the bootycrack of dawn and is asleep before i even clock out on most nights. i think i disappointed her; you know the feeling, when you've got this clever message all composed in your head and the person has to go and mess it up by answering the phone? yeah.

it seems pp and her boyfriend, k, were hanging out, watching Wheel! of! Fortune! and the puzzle was 'same name.' they had a question about the connection between the two things:

ROLLERCOASTER & PAUL REVERE'S RIDE

naturally, whenever anyone needs random information, the only solution is to call cadiz. the fact that people think of me in times of crisis is what keeps me going, and i'm not even kidding. sadly, though i'm a seasoned 'WheelWatcher,' i've been out of the loop for quite some time. (to be honest, i enjoyed it best during the days when contestants chose prizes from the rotating stage. damn, i wanted that porcelain dalmation so badly back then.)

pp and k had perfect timing. i had been waiting on a report and it was a welcome distraction. i knew there was something about Paul Revere's midnight ride of '75 to warn that the British were coming, but i couldn't come up with a rollercoaster name that had anything to do with it. (and despite my love for Gforces, i'm out of the rollercoaster loop, too). is there one called Midnight Warning? Revere's Romp? The British Are Coming Curve? what the hell could it be? k was especially disappointed that i didn't know; he was the one who suggested they call me, because 'that's exactly the type of thing that only cadiz would know.'

so of course, that put me on a mission. after searching around on google, all i could come up was this, but i hardly think the height requirements necessary to enjoy 'Paul Revere's Midnight Ride' at Holiday World & Splashin' Safari in Santa Claus, Indiana qualifies as enough fodder for a nationally syndicated game show. but after searching awhile, i began to wonder if i was overthinking it just a little. after all, the beauty of 'Wheel' is that it's so obvious it's tricky, right?

regardless, as i was finishing my shift, all i could think about was how nice it'd be to spend an evening lounging around on the couch in my pajamas, yelling, 'c'mon! how about a freakin C, dumbass!' with my roommates again.

when it's my turn, i hope i can afford j.lo

to all of you out there who have ever planned a wedding: God bless you.

The Force

cc's seven-year-old, b, has the most beautiful imagination. it's right up there with the human half of 'Calvin and Hobbes.' and there's nothing b loves more than a character with superpowers. every time i came to visit last year, he'd put on his spiderman costume and run around saving people. even without it, he'd stop midstride in a wide-footed stance, aim his wrist at you, scrunch up his face and say 'kssh! ksssh!' as the imaginary web made it impossible for you to move.

every time i check in with him, b is emulating a new hero (i think the character of the week is king kong right now), but no matter how many may come and go, it seems the boy has a special place in his heart for The Force. perhaps it's because his father was a fan, or maybe because that sort of thing is appealing no matter what decade you were born in.

his father, P, once told me a story about a saturday afternoon when cc was at dance practice. B's dad was in the mood for a nap and the little superhero decided it was a fine time to polish off a sizeable chunk of the Frango Mints P had said were off limits because he was going to use them to make a mintchocolate cheesecake that evening. later, when confronted by his parents with the chocolatey evidence smeared along the edges of his mouth, b says so innocently that it had to be the truth: 'i know i shouldn't have done it. but daddy, the dark side was too strong.'

B must have really taken to heart his father's detailed speech about always using The Force whenever he felt the dark side taking over. Because not too long after that incident, they had me and my friend over to the house for dinner. as we went to ring the buzzer downstairs, b was already there, sitting on the stairs in a huff. i came into the foyer to greet him and he yelled, 'i thought i was your boyfriend!'

i said the only reason i brought this guy was because last time i was over, cc asked b if i was his girlfriend and he had said no, Amy the third-grader is his girlfriend. after a bit of cajoling that he is indeed my number one man, b seemed to be all right. (to be honest, i was a little miffed myself about being replaced by a younger model, but you've gotta give the kid props for going after Amy, a woman two years his senior who is reputed for taking charge of the playground.)

dinner went pretty well for the most part, but b wanted to show me all the cool stuff he'd gotten for christmas. i was impressed with his new darth vader voice changer helmet. he came into the dining room with it on, looking a little like rick moranis in 'spaceballs' because the helmet was so huge on his tiny little frame. simulating vader's heavy, even breathing, he raised his hand in the air and said something i didn't quite catch. it was very impressive. and i'm pretty sure he would have launched into the full light saber duel reenactment if he hadn't been summoned for bed. i love that kid.

on the drive home that night, my guest and i were discussing the evening.

'i think that went pretty well, don't you?'

'yeah, they were cool. i'd say it was a success. uh, except maybe for the part where b was trying to kill me.'

'what?'

'actually, he was doing a pretty good imitation of that scene in the first movie where darth vader is annoyed at one of the imperial guards and just puts his hand up in the air, using The Force to strangle the guy.'

'so that's what he was doing! i didn't catch it because of the voice changer.'

'yep. pretty much.'

'hmmm. well let that be a lesson to you, mister. you'd better treat me right because you have got yourself some very tough competition.'

pick a good stage name, folks

'hey, did you hear? raj kumar died. people are rioting.'

'who raj kumar?'

'no, silly, not anybody we know in real life. the actor.'

'my favorite actor raj kumar? oh. i thought he was already dead.'

'i just saw his obituary in the paper today. he's the one with the mustache, right?'

'well, yeah, but that could also be rajkumar. he made films in the kannada language. totally different.'

'good lord. what are the odds you'd have two old indian guys who used to be megastar actors who look sort of similar with their mustaches and whose names sound exactly the same with the only difference being a space?'

'not everyone is creative when naming their children.'

the world is small when you have minutes

last week when i was doing the cellphone shuffle, some of you brought up the notion that getting rid of my phone altogether could improve my life. while i completely agree that it's liberating and wonderful not to be chained to the thing as i am, i've been thinking that the little singsongy piece of nonsense adds quite a bit of joy to my existence.

it's obvious that with my schedule, most human contact is via telephone or email. however, i seem to log more minutes with the people farther away than the ones living right here. which doesn't really make sense till you factor in taking for granted the 'i'll just see you at the next gettogether' mentality that we must all maintain to keep our sanity with all the work/errands/chores that are required to stay alive. that said, there are a few things that allow me to reach out and touch someone nearly whenever: mainly a) free nights and weekend calls b) 1,000 daytime minutes a month c) free cellphonecompanyuser-to-cellphonecompanyuser d) car charger e) time differences across the united states

* i get a call from my girl ale several times a week during her lunch hour. this is beneficial for me because my ears have been programmed to ignore the alarm clock and/or rationalize staying in bed for an hour too long and her new york lunchtime coincides with when i should be getting up nearly every day. and her zest for life coupled with hearing the bustling streets of nyc is a great way to nudge me into starting my day. (b, c, e and sometimes a)

* my brother lives in alabama. we talk nearly every day, usually on my way to work or as i'm getting ready, even if it's just to say, 'hey, what's going on-nuthin, you?-not much.' often i ask him for news from my parents, even though they live in the same town as i do, because they harass him in the evenings about eating right and taking medicines and manage to slip in all the good gossip. my brother is my reality check and has no qualms about telling me to chill out when needed. plus he's a student, so he obviously has nothing to do all day. just kidding. (b, c, d and sometimes a)

* my mother calls me to say hello "when she has a break," which roughly translates to 'around the time she knows i should be getting ready to leave the house, but also when i could still make it, in the event of oversleeping, you know, just in case.' nobody knows you better than your mother. (a, d)

* every night on my way home, i talk to H, who lives in california. this works especially beautifully because even if i get off in the middle of the night, it's still two hours earlier for him. he's one of the funniest individuals i know, and on top of that, he can endure my endless whining about parking with a smile. (a, d, e)

* my people right here in chicago, who all work days and whom i must take a chance on harassing at work as i crawl through traffic. these are the folks who i don't talk to as often, but have a better chance of hanging out with in person. miss you guys! (a, b, c, d)


so it's looking like the phone is here to stay. i am a little disappointed because samsung released a very delicious looking new model, precisely one week after i sealed the deal on this one. oh well.

but if you'll excuse me, i have to hurry up and get ready. my brother just called and i lied, saying i was about to go take a shower because i'm supposed to be leaving in fifteen minutes yet here i am, still sitting here in my pajamas. i'll just call him from the road.

losing it

'ugh. you know, the people who live here next will be finding my stray hair all over the place for decades to come.'

'yeah, i'm still finding them in my apartment.'

'seriously? i haven't been there in almost two months!'

'yes, ma'am.'

'good lord, it's a wonder that i'm not BALD, the hairs i lose a day. it's upsetting.'

'you're normal. do you have any idea just how many girls i know who have said that exact same thing? 'i shed so much, i'm going bald.' believe me, YOU. ARE. ALL. THE. SAME: normal.'

'sure. tell me that again when i have no hair.'

it's the humidity, honest

the other day my mom was on her way to the store and asked if i needed anything. she is the only person who fully grasps how incredibly taxing it is for me to crawl out of bed even a millisecond before ten minutes after the time i need to in order to get to work at a reasonable hour. she also knows this is why lunch consists of whatever i can eat on my way out the door and why i haven't blow-dried my hair in a decade. i just twist my hair into a bun and go because a) it's long and i don't have time to hassle with it, b) i don't want to be dripping all over the place and most importantly, c) it's pretty wavy/curly so if i let it air-dry without it being tied up first it does so from the top-layer down, resulting in a halo-like effect-- the degree of which depends on the humidity. however, this rarely happens because my system usually works like a charm-- i only frightened small children on one or two occasions.

my mother was not surprised when i told her i was almost through my third travel-size shampoo and asked her to please get me a bottle of the bright green one, the shampoo-plus-conditioner-in-one if she could find it. i was extra appreciative because that day it was pouring rain and really could have used the extra time for the commute.

she came in with enough garnier fructis sleek & shine fortifying cream conditioner for frizzy, dry or unmanageable hair to bathe a small family of elephants. she did not bring any shampoo, may i add, but managed to procure a flask of the accompanying anti-frizz serum, you know, for good measure. mom claims she mistook the jumbo-dumbo bottle for a 2-in-1 and that the anti-frizz came with it as a promotion. likely story.

nevertheless, with a subtle hint like that i have no choice but to spend a little extra time in front of the mirror. or at the very least make sure my mother gets to see me on a day when it's not raining.

when bells and whistles make you deaf

i had my new phone for five days.

i wasn't feeling it. it was a different brand than my last two phones have been. it was hard to navigate. it seemed counterintuitive. the keys to work the text-message-guess-the-word thing were opposite what i tended to hit. it didn't tell me how long i'd been talking. all my contacts entries were in backwards order. the buttons were one flat panel and easy to misdial. and i couldn't charge it and talk on the headset at the same time. i was terrified that i was becoming one of those old people who can't adapt to new technology and spend all their time moaning about it instead of learning it. that prospect really scared me, so i hung onto the thing four days too long. (mostly because it was so very pretty.)

but today when i finally took it back and got a smaller, cheaper model with much fewer fancypants features-- one i could navigate easily and dial with one hand-- i felt right at home from the get go.

i know, i'm a quitter. but i'm happy. and $75 dollars richer.

not quite ready for the barn

'did you get that email i sent you with j's baby's portraits?'

'yeah, they were so cute! i can't believe they got a four-month-old to stay still and smile.'

'i especially liked the one where he was leaning on his elbow with that look on his face that says 'he-loooo, ladies!''

'that was so adorable. that's definitely something i'm looking forward to.'

'personally, i'm not so sure. because of j i've learned a whole lot more than i wanted to know about breastfeeding.'

'does it make that much of a difference?'

'i don't know, but with all that pumping and squeezing, i'd feel like a cow.'