Friday, October 28, 2005

brought to you by the letter P

Earlier i said that i loved shopping.

i lied. i actually hate shopping. okay, sort of. i only hate it when i'm in need of something. which... is always. unless i'm shopping for somebody else. and as a social activity. with the right company. but i could really live without all the fruitless sifting.

but what i really detest more than all the rest is shopping for pants. seriously, it SUCKS. but perhaps that's why i'm forever in need of doing it. because for me, buying pants is a no-go unless you actually try them on. and let's face the truth: it's going to take something really spectacular for me to want to take my pants off.

all the searching, carrying, waiting, limiting of things you can bring in, undressing under fluorescent lighting, being surrounded by mirrors aside -- do the ends really justify the means? just take a look at some of the factors:

a really good pair of pants:

* is a good, versatile color
* isn't dry-clean only (too lazy to reliably get to the cleaners)
* isn't peek-a-boo from the back of the waist
* isn't too loose in the back end
* isn't too thin where you have to worry too much about your choice of undergarment
* won't require too much reconstructive surgery (mostly i'm just pissed that i can't figure out how to do a decent "tricky hem," as my tailor grandmother would roll over in her grave knowing i couldn't do such a simple alteration myself.)
* doesn't have pockets that flare out like prince charles' ears
* doesn't have back pockets with big old flaps that constantly flip up
* doesn't have extraneous zippers/buttons/embellishments
* doesn't have stupid random fading/lines
* doesn't ridiculously flare at bottom
* will be compatible with shoes of different heights
* has a smooth zipper or reliable button fly (won't pop open at all times)
* doesn't create a 'p-pocket' in the crotch when you sit down -- insinuating there is something inside standing at attention
* doesn't climb up anywhere near places it shouldn't
* doesn't make noise during walking
* doesn't get shiny after being ironed even at a low setting
* doesn't wrinkle if the wind blows
* isn't a lint magnet
* has loops that fit my belt (better yet, doesn't require one)
* doesn't look too short when you cross your legs
* doesn't bunch
* doesn't itch
* doesn't shrink
* doesn't look raggedy after one washing
* will make you look svelte
* will make you look taller
* will enhance or detract from whatever you have that is lacking or abundant
* will not be useless if your body weight changes 6 ounces one way or the other
* will not be out of style tomorrow
* can not be found on the 13-year-olds standing at the bus stop
* does not have something written across the booty
* does not cost three times its value because of the name on the tag
* can go from the grocery store to the club
* makes you feel like a million bucks.

what? am i asking too much?


X said...

Your alternative is to not wear trousers at all.

I mean that in the most innocent way possible.


DCveR said...

The truth is I quit reading your specs on line five or so.
Being a guy there are usually two things I look for buying trousers:
- do they fit?
- what color are they? (mostly to make sure I don't buy some orange pants or so)

DCveR said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
omar said...

Cadiz, I'm with you on this. Shopping for pants is the worst. My sole criterion is that the pants must fit (though now that you mention it, I don't like pants making noise when I walk). You would think that would be easy. But it's not. And it sucks. So I typically find a pair that fit properly, then I buy several of them. Practical is my middle name. Fashionable is not.

chief said...

cadiz, i too have issues buying pants. i have like 15 pairs and only wear 5 because i don't like the way the others fit. what's worse is that i don't know if you can truly see whether a pair is good until you try wearing it multiple times, thereby wasting a ton of money and time. let's go shopping for pants and when we find good pairs, we'll rush back to the store and buy all the pants left in that style. and my mom's a big 'p-pocket' hater, and so i'm always worried about them when buying pants.

Modern Viking said...

I'd like to tease you for being so picky... but I can't lie, I'm picky too.

Ale said...

i'm with X- go nekkked girl!

cadiz12 said...

sure you do, X. right.

you guys are right; i should just buy the lot of a good pair of pants. it's just finding them that irritates me so.

ale, why do you think i like wearing skirts so much? however that also poses the whole other problem of making my legs presentable for display. plus when you live in a place with actual seasons (last night it was 25 degrees F when i got home -- that's like -4 for you celsius people), things can get goose-pimply.

Demosthenes said...

"One that looks nice, too."

Deep within the humor that is the Knights of Nee resides some good, philosophical stuff... if you're talking about shrubbery preferences, that is. But I'm sure that's interchangeable with pants.

Ale said...

u know this dilemma of yours kept me up all night and i was just thinking and thinking how to help... well- you should try out some cuts that you wouldnt normally go for, maybe it will be comfortable for you and look great- try different materials...

Guyana-Gyal said...

It's true, shopping for the right pants can be grief. Same problems.

I hhhhaate shopping, wish I can just go to one store, get it, get out. arg grr etc.

Guyana-Gyal said...

Oh, iron on the inside, and it won't shine on the outside.

Popeye said...

People try on pants before they buy them?