the best story ever

okay, so i lied. watch out, you april fools.

i know, that was a cheap trick. but as the premiere target for april tomfoolery every year, i felt i needed to make a feeble attempt at retaliation. i'm just not a smooth enough liar for anything as elaborate as convincing people i've been selected to compete on 'Jeopardy' or making up fake royal lineage (both stories i've fallen for -- i was young and much more gullible back then).

honestly, i did rack my brain to come up with something interesting to say, but sadly, i got nuthin tonight.

so watch your backs, suckers. not everyone will be as honest today.

this american life!

i just realized i can listen to this american life in the dungeon. now all i have to do is figure out a way to put my head down and relax without being detected.

http://www.thislife.org/

here's the thing: i'm up for it

today was a challenge:

first there was the tornado thing;
the noah-get-your-ark rain thing;
the hail thing;
the not-touching-the-gas-pedal-to-crawl-through-traffic-for-2-hours thing;
the being late and missing the meeting thing;
the full plate thing;
the hurrying to get my schedule for the evening thing;
the change in plan 1/2way through thing;
the change in plan 3/4way through thing;
the change in plan 5/6way through thing;
the change in plan 7/8way through thing;
the scrambling to catch up while worrying that i've pissed off a whole bunch of people with all the changes (even though if it were up to me, there'd be no changes) thing

needless to say, i was sweating just a little.

but i managed to pull it all togther, and with the help of some kind people, hit my deadlines (barely) and held onto my sanity.

but the funny thing is, i haven't felt this alive or full of adrenaline in months. i've always thrived on the procrastination-induced race to the finish (only if i emerge victorious). so maybe i got a taste of that again, and that's why i'm happy.

it's a dangerous sport; please do not try this at home.

sog story

this morning i woke up, late, but i was on a mission. i was going to bring a lunch, as God is my witness, and i didn't care if i was going to be late!

and of course i had my heart set on a time-consuming item: salad, with ingredients like boiled egg and shredded turkey, as well as your standard chopped vegetables. ooh i'm salivating just thinking about it.

unfortunately, in my haste i didn't want to take the whole bottle of dressing with me, so i poured some on top, closed the tupperware and was on my way.

i realized there's a very good reason they don't put the dressing on until right before consumption. because after my long commute and 1/2 my shift, i opened the box to find my salad floating around in red wine vinaigrette soup.

it wasn't quite as gross as it sounds, but you get the picture. next time i'll drag the bottle with me. that's what i get for having newfangled ideas like bringing lunch.

whinefile 3/28

*why is it that on the warmest day of 2005 i bust out with my bulkiest sweater with a t-shirt underneath? i need to listen to more newsradio while i'm getting ready. nelly furtado just isn't informative enough.

*i put my pops on a plane to the motherland today. then i hear they had a tsunami-similar earthquake without the tsunami. great. sounds like all's okay, but still. it had to be today?

*i walked by bathroom at work today and spotted a faded newspaper article in the cubicle of the person who sits right in front of the bathroom door. headline: 'do you sit by the bathroom?' it may have been the end of the night, but i thought that was hilarious. i'll have to go read it when no one's around.

* last night at the dungeon, i walked in behind this attractive hoochiemama. i'm talking long, i-curled-it-strand-by-strand-because-only-the-top-layer-is-in-ringlets hair. 1/2 hour job, minimum. UBERtight stretch booty jeans stuffed into knee-high stiletto boots. straight out of a poison concert but with updated hair/makeup and without the acid wash. the security guard looked sheepish when i said hello as he was practically falling out of his window staring down the hall as she walked by.

i know, i'm going to hell. i've requested a window seat for the trip. what's worse? i felt relieved. because why would psychoblueeye want stare at no-makeup me when he can stalk her? what's EVEN WORSE? for one second, i thought maybe she was an exotic dancer being sent to someone who works here. i know! i've packed my bags.

but seriously, if she had smiled back at me or said hi while we waited for the elevator, i wouldn't have said this about her. i'm sure she's a perfectly nice woman who has her guard up in the dungeon. i know that i do; i have on my bitchface as soon as i step out of the car. don't mess!

* reading: chocolat -- some of the best imagery i've ever seen
* watching: brown sugar, whalerider, some like it hot -- in order of how much i liked them (b.s. made me fall in love with hip hop again)
* listening: nelly furtado 'whoa nelly' -- a classic
* making: the scarf that won't grow -- never again with the babyfine yarn; bulky is better, baby, except when it's warm outside.
* wishing: i could take this sweater off.

ten bad things i'd *rather* be doing

you guessed it; i'm on dungeon duty again tonight. easter, too. good thing i had a chance to feast before i got here.

1) vacuuming out the car interior
2) scrubbing bathroom grout
3) yard work (okay, that's a close one)
4) cleaning the refrigerator
5) getting lectured about car maintenance by my father
6) entertaining my parents' friends
7) running a mile
8) babysitting rowdy kids
9) taking a pop quiz
10) having my legs waxed

okay, i'll be honest. if i were doing any of the above things, i'm sure i'd be writing about how i would KILL to be on dungeon duty. and it's entirely possible someone could put a gun to my head someday, demanding i come up with some positives about it. i might as well be prepared.

* it's quiet
* no one is looking over your shoulder -- free reign on listening to music and reading up on celebrity gossip
* you can see if anyone's coming (once you get in here, that is)
* there's a microwave
* there's sound on the computer
* it doesn't smell weird
* the chairs are adjustable (even though the desk isn't)

ugh. that's all the flow i can come up with for one night.

my best feature

my mom is one of those really sweet tiny women who are always trying to feed people. these ladies are in reality quite dangerous, because they're all about yummy treats and warm hugs and saying just the right thing to make you feel better. but in the midst of all that, they manage to sneak in zingers like, 'you're looking kind of chubby these days, maybe you need to visit that gym.'

one time when i was young, my mom told me that i had really pretty feet -- that they're my best feature. no followup about how smart, talented and beautiful the rest of me is, though. but i vaguely remember something about an old-time movie from the motherland in which the incredibly gorgeous heroine was sleeping under a blanket in a train compartment, and her equally debonair compartment mate (who was of course single and just the right age) fell in love with her based on his 3-hour view of her bare feet peeking out. somehow this guy committed his heart and soul to her forever before ever seeing her face. of course, i'm sure they lived happily, after they resolved pesky meddling from disapproving parents, danced around some trees and prevailed in several dshum-dshum altercations.

(the addictive crock, or should i say crack, that is motherland cinema is a topic for another day. besides, i have to wait till i've successfully completed all 12 steps before delving into it.)

my mom is a straight shooter. everyone loves the woman, with good reason. as sweet and generous as she is, she can be damn stingy with her compliments. but she'll never let you out of the house looking hideous.

i know this feet thing was meant as a compliment, but what i ask myself every time i get a pedicure is, what did she really mean? is she saying 'yeah, nice tootsies, kiddo, you got them from your father,' or is she saying, 'listen child, if you ever want to get a man, you need to cover yourself up and dangle your feet out so he doesn't run away.'

maybe i should get out those anklets with bells again this spring. that way i can distract people and not have to wear a bag over my head.

rude awakening

my brother came to visit during his spring break.

as you guys know, i have a routine. work, eat, sleep, work, eat... so sharing a bathroom was a high-ranking disturbance. granted, it was nice to see the kid; he can be a lot of fun to have around. i'm not knocking that. but after the excitement of seeing him wore off, i remembered just why we were at each other's throats when we were young.

i woke up to the fifth snooze of the alarm, dragged my sorry self to the bathroom and got into the shower. now, i move at about -2700 mph first thing when i wake up. and if something annoys me in those critical minutes, i'm snarky for hours. this day i discovered what may possibly be the most freaking irritating thing to encounter when you're trying to ease into the day.

i'm standing there, vulnerable, still warm from sleep and wincing because i know the water will be cold. i go to turn on the shower faucet to let it run a bit before i pull up the tab to make it come out overhead. what happens? FREEZING cold water comes down like someone poured a bucket of icy gatorade on me, but without the thrill of victory. the little rat didn't put the tab down when he was done! ARGH!! it was horrible.

needless to say, it took me about 3 hours to get uncranky-fied that day.

the child is back at school, back to his own shower where he can leave it to spray on him every day. maybe he needs that kind of rude awakening. but not me. i will be checking that tab every morning.

update on marisa

okay, so i find another marisa tomei movie in my mailbox. 'happy accidents' with vincent d'ofrio (2001).

i thought, okay, i'll give this another try. maybe m.t. (whoa that sounds like 'empty') was just *playing* an annoying girl in 'only you.'

that may have been true, but i did want to smack her a couple of times in this one. it wasn't as bad as my urge to strangle her after o.y. but c'mon, no one needs to bite her lip that many times. she's very good at looking alluring and getting cozy with a man on camera. she's beautiful, so that of course doesn't hurt. i guess i'll have to get 'in the bedroom' to reach a verdict on whether i can stand her.

the movie, though, was an interesting concept. kind of like the feeling you get with 'eternal sunshine for the spotless mind,' but with a completely different premise. i'd have to say i liked it. i always like vince d'o, though. he was Thor in 'Adventures in Babysitting'! and he's good on law and order, even though it's really hard to believe he knows that much about everything. whatever. it's tv.

baby steps

the intern from the old place e-mailed me for career advice. can you believe someone is asking ME?

it's ironic, because just today i had lunch with the Coach, a coworker from years ago, and we're both lost as to what it is that we really want to *do* in life. it's like we had this idea of what we wanted, got a plan and worked our asses off to make it happen. Now that we're on top of the mountain -- as he put it -- 'all there is up there is an old man with a hot dog stand. i could have gotten a freaking hot dog at the bottom!' i always did like the way this kid thought.

and it was also refreshing to hear a man say he's getting marriage pressure from his father, of all people. ('don't you want a family of your own?') geez! we're not that old, people! it makes my mother nudging me toward her friend's sister's cousin's neice's brother from another country sound not so damn horrible.

no, i lied. it still sounds horrid.

so i told the intern kid that no one ever really gets used to living in the real world and not to sweat it. just put yourself out there but be smart about it. sounds like lame advice to me. i'll bet i never hear from him again. he's better off.

in other news, i have been faithfully attempting to put some continuity into my day by doing the warmup we used to do in dance class. sigh. how i miss dance class; there's nothing like pretending to breakdance to build the muscles. and that warmup kicked my ass every time, even after 2 years. but for some reason it's not as fun at home, without all the underground music (we were jamming to kanye WAY before he was the darling of the grammys thanks to the teacher's dj hookups).

so thank you all, for sending me good vibes to get my schedule together. consider this the first of many steps. some of which will be finishing the scarf i am knitting by next fall (by when i'm sure i will hate the color) and making the adjustments on the pile of new clothes that have been sitting on my chair for the better part of a year b/c i'm too lazy to hem/fix or find a button for them. then it'll be like i went shopping all over again!

ciao chatty

okay, i have to admit it. i am so bored these days, that i've started eavesdropping on this kid who sits by me. granted, he's loud and talks to everyone about everything. it's constant chatter. and i don't really speak that much because i'm still semi-new and trying not to f-up. but i have to say, he is slightly entertaining.

when i heard he may be leaving, i was sort of sad. who's going to fill the silence with all kinds of ridiculous stories? like how the only music at his alma mater (and mine) is country. (personally i think he was embarrassed to say he liked country to the people he was talking to, so he had to cover it up with that crappy line.) i'm sorry buddy, but i went there and learned how to salsa. and i never listened to country there. so take that! he was showing one of his senior coworkers about his cellphone and then, as she was holding it, he was like -- in all seriousness -- 'i even dropped it into the toilet. and it still works! comedy, i tell you.

this must be how my coworkers at the other job thought of me. i know i can be chatty, but they really did know everything about me. about my friends, family, boy drama, favorite shows, etc. But i chalk that up to them listening to my phone conversations. one of them said she's writing a book and will base one of the characters on me. ha. God knows i gave her plenty of fodder. but i damn well better get my cut of the profits!

it's so funny how much i know about this kid without ever actually speaking to him. i don't clearly even know what the front of his face looks like (we sit sort of at a hallway junction with our backs to each other.) even so, i think i'll miss him when he's gone.

show this to the police when you don't hear from me

okay, first let me say, working in the dungeon (a satellite office i have to go to at the end of my shift -- in the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere. believe me, the mundane details are just that.) SUCKS.

and today on the way into the labryinth to my tiny office, i saw this window washing guy. he was all the way at the end of the hall, but even the back of his head looked creepy. like he was just *pretending* to be a thorough employee but was really stalking his prey. i was like 'please don't turn around, please don't turn around' until i got to the corner. but of course, what did he do? turned around. and STARED. like a really creepy, i'm-going-to-wait-for-you here and drag you into the closet where i keep my highly noxious-fumed cleaning products. okay, you think i'm being paranoid? he was leaning over behind one of the glass cases, with just his eye sticking out to watch me walk toward him. ugh! i'm getting all tingly (in the bad horror movie sense) just thinking about it. that stupid jerk thought i couldn't see his psychotic blue eye peeking out from the edge of the case, watching and watching. but i DID. i wear glasses, you see. the better to see you with, my dear. i watch law and order. i know it's the ones with the neatly pressed pants and the tucked in shirts that i need to watch out for.

so he saw how i got to this tiny little office. he probably knows that no one would hear me scream over the machines. oh God. i'm counting the seconds that i have to be in this place. but then, i'll have to walk out the same way! and there are at least 15 different little alcoves where someone can be stashed after they've been stabbed. and no one would even know.

so i'm putting this out to you; out to the world. so that if i somehow end up missing or decapitated, you'll know that a medium build caucasian man with close-cropped hair and a psycho blue or grey left eye put the fear of God into me in my last hours. that should hold up in court, right? be sure to call sam waterson to defend my honor.

i've locked the door and have pepper spray in hand (which is making this tricky to type). i'm proceeding to look up all those e-mails people have sent over the years about defending yourself against attackers. go for the eyes. the groin. the kneecaps. got it.

have i mentioned that this was not part of the job description?

deal with the devil

oh my god, i just saw kate from 'lost' on a late-night ad for phone partyline or something. called 'lively'or something. granted, she wasn't all nasty and hooched out, so i have some respect for her. but man, i wonder what she did to get on such a good show when obv she was cooing at the commercial cam not too long ago.

seriously, i haven't seen her in much before this. should i put her on a made-a-deal-with-the-devil list with ashanti, jude law and fitty cent?

i just looked up evangeline lilly on imdb.com and she's got more credits 'as herself' than actual roles. here are the characters, besides kate ryan on 'lost:
*dead body
*benson's girlfriend
*uncredited
*JD girl'

see? deal with the devil. or else she's dating the director.

haiku you

obsessed with haiku
but not good at poetry
at least i can knit

three thirty a.m
never can figure out why
sleep escapes me so

oh damn you, starbucks!
how you lure me from afar --
just across the street

aha! the culprit
caffeine really hops me up
must lower dosage

ale has proven
a positive outlook can
make magic happen!

she's going to spain
better make the most of it
do i smell tapas?

gonna log off now
probably get distracted
by that damn tv

oh! happy st. pats!
brown girls can be irish, too
if only one day

confession of a netflix addict

i think all this marathon movie viewing has turned me into a snob. proof positive: 'only you'

it was a movie i have loved; i used to be able to watch it multiple times in a row and even rewinded scenes that most beautifully reminded me of that first trip to italy.

sigh. high school. no cares. everything was exciting and new. (cue 'love boat' themesong).

so i figured i'd recapture the warm fuzzy memories by renting the dvd. (the tape had long since been destroyed in a move). sadly, by this time i'm pretty far removed from high school and have become a little numb to the wonder and drama of european travel. (that's a very depressing topic for another day). this time i saw past the charming locales and fancy monuments to take in the actual movie.

granted, the premise is pretty farfetched-- it's right up my alley of sappiness. a fortune teller and a ouija board tell this girl her soulmate's name. she forgets all about it until years later when the guy calls to say he can't make it to her wedding because he'll be away on business. she takes off to italy (in her wedding dress, mind you) to see if this oblivious guy is the real deal. hilarity ensues while she figures out she's ridiculous.

sounds just like your life, cadiz, you're probably saying. i know! at the end of the day i usually end up concluding i'm ridiculous, too. but i just have to say, marisa tomei sort of killed this film. i mean, i wanted to reach into the tv and grab her by the throat till she was still. i know she had to play the airhead card to get anyone to buy her character actually believed in this crazed chase she was on, but c'mon, marisa! let's float on back to earth. robert downey, jr. was good and bonnie hunt was fabulous, as usual.

i just couldn't enjoy the movie. maybe this means i'm grown up and sophisticated. no, that can't be it. today i picked up some crackers-and-processed-cheese packs because i can't resist the little plastic wand they put in there for you to spread the cheese. the cheese doesn't need to be refrigerated and 1 four-cracker serving also serves up 14% of my daily sodium intake. but i rationalized this by the fact that this product is also keebler-elf endorsed.

nope. i'm definitely not grown up and sophisticated. but i do know annoying when i see it. sorry marisa.

in the car: 'whoa nelly' nelly furtado
in the dvd: 'kissing jessica stein'
on the shelf: 'had a good time' by robert butler olen

i'm no kanye, but i have a plan

okay darlings, here's the rudimentary plan:

do one(1) errand/chore/accomplishment a day. like today-- drumroll-- i went to the bank. granted, that is because i still hadn't cashed one paycheck from before i got direct deposit and it was going to be void by tomorrow. whatever. i am still proud of myself.

no, seriously. i'm not sure what happened this weekend, but i got a whiff of the drive that used to enable me to do 75 things in one day. ah, how i have missed it. i spent the whole weekend in city city, losing my mind over parking and minor drama.

but when i got home, i hit the mall and the library and spent way too much money at the craft store, or crackhouse, as my friend from the old place used to call it. and it is like a crackhouse! i have forked over so much cash at places like that; they should really have frequent flyer points or something. at least let me get some free zippers or hot glue or something. but i bought some fluffy pink yarn and hope to make something by 2008.

small goals, people! that's what it's about!

what i wish would happen:

i'll make it back to a dance class. my muscles and my mind are deteriorating as we speak.
save a chunk of change
move to a place that i love with a roommate whom i can get along with well and ditch my car.
paint again.
finish all the 1/2 ass projects clogging my closet

what will most likely happen:
netflix.com will revoke my subscription for overuse
i will hand over all extra money to the crackhouse in exchange for more crap in the closet that i will never look at again
dancing will be relegated to mouthing the words to the radio while i get ready for work
starbucks will offer me stock options and the caffeine addiction that i have so desperately tried to avoid for all these years. and i will accept.

canadians get all the chicks

kelly, that was sweet. it was the procrastination that caught your interest, right? i know, last-minute frenzy is a real spouse magnet.

i was in houston once, for a conference. we wondered why it was so dead downtown until someone told us to look underground. verrry sneaky. what i still can't figure out though, is why no one dances at the club. it's weird; they just stood around with their drinks, looking pretty and bobbing their heads. we even asked the dj, and he said he's moving to miami.

we met some people from canada on that trip. they were so cool and fun to hang out with. one of them was even an international bridge (cards) champion. it was like being with a celebrity. but maybe that was just because they were canadian. when we went to play pool, some other canadians came up to our group when they heard us speaking and were like 'canada, aye?' they went around to all of us going, 'canada? i'm rob' or 'canada? i'm jerry.' but when they came to us, they were like, 'canadian? no? oh.'

we tried to stay in touch with the canadians, but they were kind of shady. maybe we're just from the wrong country.

schedule

well, ale, you're right. i just need to make a schedule. i'm going to take your advice.

but before you get all hopeful and excited about seeing progress, let me make a disclaimer.

all of this stuff is supposed to take place BEFORE i have to go to work. and herein lies the problem. you see, i cannot do anything unless there's the peudo-gun-to-my-head deadline looming over me, a fire under my ass, someone coming along or the threat of unemployment. it's baad, sister. and if you don't believe me, let me tell you about college.

i am the QUEEN procrastinator. you can ask my university roommate how many times i have nearly driven her to a heart attack with my lazy ways. i was notorious for putting off things so i have to stay up late, often all night, and one time for 76 hours in a row, to finish. don't get me wrong, i did try the sleep/wake up early method. and you know what happened? I DREAMT that i already finished my work! so when the alarm rang, i rolled over and went to sleep. all i can say is when i finally got up that morning, hilarity ensued as i finished while walking/riding the bus to class. believe me, it wasn't pretty.

but you make a good point, ale. i think i do need to just get cracking. i'm going to start small. today, you'll be happy to hear i had my eyebrows done and i'm looking very neat and svelte (well in the above-eye area, anyway). granted, the line was long and there was traffic, so i was late to work, but at least i did something. well, i watched 'win a date with tad hamilton' while i ate lunch, but i don't think that counts. (topher grace was the only good thing about it.)

anyway, i could blather on for years here, but i'll stop so i can do some hard thinking about the things i want to put into my schedule. suggestions would be greatly appreciated, so long as they don't involve getting up before noon or heavy labor. remember, putting gas in the car is a feat of magic these days.

know a good place to get some discipline?

wow, ale, sounds like you're getting your fill of rice these days. i had momma's home cookin for lunch and a bag of chips for a snack. by the way, bbq ruffles don't really go with lemonade unless you've got potato salad and cheeseburgers off the grill, to accompany them. i'll have dinner when i get home. i'm probably the only one who has dinner at 3 a.m. does that mean it counts as breakfast?

i realized something today. it is impossible for me to get out of bed unless i have somewhere to go. even though there are about a hundred things around the house and errands i could be doing before work, i CANNOT gather the strength to do much more than watch old school reruns, pbs cartoons or talk shows before i have to go to work. i think it's a disease.

today i did NOTHING. besides b.e.w (bathe, eat and work). i am not even kidding. all morning i lay in bed and listened to npr between fits of dreaming about helping my friend paint a mural. it was gorgeous. i did the sky.

this is what swoon had to say:
'You are wasting your time on some unworthy pleasures if you saw an artist painting or drawing in your dream; if you were doing the artwork, you will have to revise your plans in order to achieve the recognition you want. if you dreamed of painting anything (like furniture, woodwork, etc.), it suggests that you are contemplating some activity which you would prefer to keep secret--think it over well before you commit yourself.'

ooh. no joke i'm going to have to revise my plan. i don't even HAVE a plan. my plan is the same every day: get as much sleep as is humanly possible before i drag my ass out of bed, get ready, fill my stomach and then race to work without getting a ticket or being killed. maybe my subconscious is telling me to get a life.

these are the things i would do if i had more motivation and discipline:

* brush up on my skills in the mother tongue; i have all these books i could be looking at, but no ganas to actually pick them up
* finish up some of the projects i have lying around in various stages of progress
* exercise. ever since i had to give up my dance class b/c of these hours, racing up 6 flights of stairs to get to the office on time is the only thing that even remotely counts.
* return that jacket i bought like a month ago but haven't had the chance to get to the mall to give back. it's still in the bag. maybe i should try it on again. who knows, i might like it.
* clean out my closet
* find something good from the bookstore/library
* go shopping for some new work clothes

but for now i'm going to start small. tomorrow i'm going to get my eyebrows done. it's well beyond the point where my friend jackie would have put her hands up over her eyebrows and waggled her fingers out menacingly. but you know how it is; you go there and have to wait. and i'm on a tight schedule! i've got precious sleep to catch up on and every second counts when you're in bumper to bumper traffic. but maybe i should do the world a favor and get over there.

pumped up

today i filled air in my tires. everyone knows that this city is notorious for its potholes, and in my 45-75 minute commute, i probably fly over about 1/3 of them. but what i don't get was how the back left tire was at 20 lbs of pressure and the back right tire only had 5. it makes me think i have a leak. great. just what i need. to be stranded out on the expressway in the middle of the night/day when there is no one free to come and rescue my sorry ass. i should really invest in AAA membership.

filling the tires was the only thing of note that i did today, if you don't count eating, showering and going to work. and believe me, that's a record in productivity. this night work schedule has screwed with my head so very much that i am physically unable to fill my time with anything but imports from netflix or perfecting my leap across the room to hit the snooze button.

i did however catch about 10 minutes of dr. phil berating people about their bad spending habits. it's going to take this couple 38 years to pay off their debt unless they do something about it, like yesterday. and this poor divorced woman has no marketable skills and is learning how to pay bills the hard way. she accidentally hit 'pay full amount' instead of 'pay minimum balance' on the online banking, and ended up bouncing a 22,000 check. what a mess.

that is exactly why i have to learn how to do crap like filling my tires with air. i shouldn't expect to depend on mr. cadiz12 for every little thing. well, seeing that there is no mr. cadiz12 in the forseeable future, i guess i'll have to figure out how to do all that stuff we always whine to my dad about. for everything else, i can always call AAA.