milestone

so here it is: the post commemorating one year of do they read obituaries in hell?. i wish i were clever enough to come up with a sturdy thread to justify a post-montage in the style of how sitcoms do it when they're short on material/actors/budget/time -- you know the ones: they clip together all of Clair's birthday celebrations on Cosby ('when i was mom's age, lettuce cost fifteen cents!') or when they put together snippets on Friends about how it was that monica and chandler ended up together ('oooh! but do they know that we know that they know that we know?!'). but i'm not. at least right now.

so i'll keep it simple.

i work nights. and erratic days/hours. it could be that one day i start at 1 p.m., the next: 6 p.m., the next: 4:30 p.m., and so it goes. and sometimes i'm out in the dungeon till 3 a.m. in an office. by myself. in the middle of nowhere. waiting for reports. so it really has been a blessing to stumble onto your blogs and have people stop by and leave comments about my own ramblings. and it's great that even though i don't get to talk to my friends or see them nearly as much as i'd like, they can check in and make sure that i'm still haven't lost my edge (which i sincerely hope i haven't, because that and my ability to curse people with my tongue are my claims to fame).

last year at this time i was nursing a broken heart and trying to get acclimated to this crazy schedule and the long commute that it requires. and the parking, oh the parking! and while i'm still not used to the hours, the heart's in better shape and i've discovered some cool people and even met a few of them in real life.

so thanks for reading, peeps. a special shout-out to Ale, Jon, Jazz and Omar for being around since nearly the beginning and still somehow finding their way back over here today.

and because i really can't help myself-- and mostly because the reports are going to be late and i'm pretty bored-- i think i will go ahead and throw together a few snippets of some of the things i've been through here in the last year:

"just what i need. to be stranded out on the expressway in the middle of the night/day when there is no one free to come and rescue my sorry ass. i should really invest in AAA membership." (that was the first post and i still haven't signed up for AAA.)

"i CANNOT gather the strength to do much more than watch old school reruns, pbs cartoons or talk shows before i have to go to work."

"oh damn you, starbucks!
how you lure me from afar --
just across the street"

"i was like 'please don't turn around, please don't turn around' until i got to the corner. but of course, what did he do? turned around. and STARED. like a really creepy, i'm-going-to-wait-for-you here and drag you into the closet where i keep my highly noxious-fumed cleaning products."

"* show your friend the hallway you have made a point to routinely walk through in hopes of running into the guy you like who lives there. as you pass by, some other person walking behind you turns to go into your guy's room after hearing your entire conversation. it's his roommate."

"i'll bet this chick comes back to me for some kind of recommendation in about 4 years. maybe i'll tell her, 'sorry, i'm going to cancun for spring break.'"

"and besides, i do not recall even one time when my shoelaces got stuck in the Sit'n Spin because they came untied."

"and he said, 'of course.' what i meant was 'of course you'll come with me in a cab to my car and make sure i get in it safely because it's really late and i parked under a bridge, right?' but that's not technically what i said."

"i was glued to tv at friends' houses. and it didn't matter what was on -- one time i even watched golf, just to partake in the fobidden fruit. but i never realized just how much of a the deficiency i had until i graduated high school. some kids with overprotective parents get to college and start boozing and whoring around. i sat in the dorm room and watched the mtv music awards about five times in succession."

"i think i've developed an immunity.
to my deodorant.
again."

"under the joy of tungsten or fluorescent lights, i'm basking in unicolor, but in the daylight, i'm rocking a khaki/white-purple cow print."

"now the spirit of blood donation is one of giving, helping, sharing life with someone who may be going through a difficult time. WHY THE HELL DO THEY HAVE TO MAKE IT SUCH A F-ING PAIN IN THE ASS?"

"It was just as bad as has always been. And it still makes me suck in my breath. Like I’m seeing a piece of my own heart strapped down to the bed with 15 tubes coming out of every place not covered by a blanket. Even in his complete state of intubated ignorance, the kid was still trying to communicate: mouthing to us that he loved us, asking that the important people in his life knew it, too, and thanking us for being there. He even gestured to the nurse for a pen and paper though he didn’t have the strength to wrap his fingers around them and his eyes were still too swollen to see."

"to date, the best compliment i had gotten from her was, 'okay. your family won't starve.'"

"this guy's never going to log on again. he'll never have the chance to get an ego boost from the number of times his profile has been viewed since the beginning of the month."

"hiccups kill my street cred."

"62) i abhor my middle name. my favorite day is thursday and my favorite coin is the dime. of these things there has been absolutely no doubt since i can remember, any other favorites fluctuate constantly."

"maybe because for so long i had been doing nothing but feel. i might have overdosed. it's odd. to have the niagara falls of emotions falling out of you for so long, only to have it dried up on the day you were expecting to drown."

"usually i need a little bit of company when i'm by myself for many hours, but i don't think i thought about it for more than a second during that whole time. CC peeked out at me from backstage and later said i looked like a kid who was at the movies for the first time. i was riveted."

"this evening i was trying to get through my shift, but i couldn't concentrate on anything because a lineup of snackfoods were parading through my mind, enticing me, but not well enough that i'd want to eat any."

"i got into reading and even closed my eyes for a tiny nap when suddenly i hear, 'dude, someone took our seats! i guess we'll have to sit here,' coming from right behind me! holy chainsaws, i thought i was going to lose it."

"miss daisy duke has nice legs, but honestly not much of a booty. that probably speaks to how our image of what's attractive on a woman has evolved over the years, too. and for that i must say, 'thank you, jennifer lopez.'"

"you can only soak up so many boxes of kleenex before the pity party gets played out."

" 'let me tell you something, guy. NO girl likes being touched by a strange man, especially in that manner! what a crock of crap, 'i thought she'd like it.' you know, you give [shared ethnicity] a bad name! keep your damn hands to yourself!' "

"so next time you happen to hear me say, 'dude, i really could use some caffeine,' i think you should stand in front of me, put your hands on my shoulders, look me straight in the eye and, in a firm and clear voice, yell at the top of your lungs, 'NO FREAKING WAY.'"

" * the best hostesses know the first thing to get for a guest is a drink"

"let's not even get started on my rap-along skills ('mumblemumblemumble, uh, um... WOW HOW NOW, WOWHOWNOWBROWNCOW!')"

"but what i really detest more than all the rest is shopping for pants. seriously, it SUCKS."

"i'm supposed to be cheery and chatty and not annoyed that someone wants to know how i'm doing. i don't want to be like those ugly old people who yell at the kids who disturb their gardenias by letting the kickball fly into their yard. well, at least not for another fifty years."

"and on top of that, all four of them had matching annoying little oldschoolpajamatype sleeping hats -- you know, the ones that have the long tail that ends in a poufy pom pom? -- WITH STRIPES. it was like a freaking Gap commercial right there in the parking lot!"

"but inside i was thinking to myself, 'damn, i hope i have that much fun when i'm fifty.' "

"she was meticulous and thorough, which are great qualities to have when you're shopping. but not when you're in an underwear store with your ten-year-old son."

"and it all started because of that damn two-dollar brownie. but i have no regrets. that thing was really good."

"who says the sparkle in your life has to come from a diamond? i'm rocking some boring silver earrings i bought at Claire's Boutique in 1997 for ten bucks."

"maybe it's just a cost-effective measure: remove any absolutely unecessary letters and save some cash? dude, pat sajak and vanna white want their little wheel of fortune charge-for-vowels trick back."

much love

to three very special people who have always treated me like one of their own. i love you guys.

can't even stop for directions

ever get the feeling that you're desperately running, trying to get somewhere very important, but have no idea in which direction you're supposed to go; and even though you're huffing and puffing and sweating like a pig, most of the fatigue is from the constant searching for some sign of familiarity, some sort of signal that you're going the right way, that you've guessed correctly and congratulations, now you can finally slow down and take a freaking break, but you're petrified that you'll fly right past that essential turn; in fact, what if maybe all this time you've been running in circles and aren't actually going anywhere and you'll keep doing it until one day your heart just gives out and it'll only ever be over when you fall down and die, but you'll have no idea when it's coming until right that second when it up and happens?

yeah. me too.

one last grilled cheese for the road

near my work is a mom-and-pop late-night diner where you can get a decent meal for a decent price. the waitresses have husky smoked-too-many-cigarettes voices and have been at the job for years. they're very sweet and always put in extra ketchup without you having to ask. they have pictures of celebrities in oldschool frames, the most famous of which is George Clooney in a ratty sleeveless t-shirt. he looks about 17 and like he just finished running a marathon or working on his car.

sadly, the joint was bought by a developer in order to make -- you guessed it -- condominiums. that'll make the fourth big development on the same block to go up by 2007. soon people downtown will have to trek to suburbia to get a meal or some toilet paper. so sad.

on sunday, the last night it was open for business, several of us got a farewell meal. about 6 grilled cheeses (delicious!) a burger and a sundae. we called in the order and everyone chipped in a little extra for the tip. when my friend and i went over to pick up the food, there was a really somber feeling in the air. someone was sitting in one of the booths, videotaping the last night and there was none of the usual chatter and laughter. it was as though someone died. as we were paying and heading out the door, that's when it really struck us that we'd never have home-style grilled cheese available so close to the office again.

my friend: here you go

waitress 1: oh, honey, you pay up at the counter

my friend: no, i know; that's a little something for you guys.

waitress 1: whoa... that's generous. thanks. hey! look what these girls left us!

waitress 2: aww, thanks ladies! that made my day.

waitress 1: it's nice to see something make you smile today.

my friend: we're really gonna miss you guys.

i didn't get to go to that place too often. but as with most things that disappear: now that it's gone, i wish i had.

get with the dictionary, mother

Omar's recent post about report cards of yesteryear reminded me of a simple difference in semantics between my mother and i that goes all the way back to the time when i was picking dandelions from the backyard for her and then sobbing later that afternoon when i saw them in the garbage can. (to be fair, i was a little overzealous to show my love and filled the vases with those wilty, polleny, buggy things nearly every day.)

i remember working really hard on drawings or poems or crepe-paper daffodils that my teacher said were 'excellent' or 'magnificent.' i ran home to show my mother, who'd usually say something like, 'that's pretty good, cadiz!' it was always the same, with the 'pretty good.' at first i thought i just had to work harder, color a little more within the lines, make my penmanship a little clearer. but after awhile i started to think i was never going to hear anything better from my mom. one day i asked her what that was about.

'mommy! howcome every time i show you something that's really good, you only say 'pretty good'?'

'what? it's pretty! it's good! it's pretty good!'

'NO! 'pretty good' means 'just okay.' if you really like it you should say 'excellent' or 'magnificent,' mom!'

'fine. that's excellent, cadiz.'

'that's much better.'

my mom is a stubborn lady. she refused to get on the magnificently excellent bandwagon, unless it was dripping with sarcasm. and to this day, when she knows i worked really hard on something and she likes it, she'll tell me it's 'pretty good' just to piss me off. but hell, i'll take what i can get.

four is my favorite digit

Four Jobs I’ve Had In My Life:

Fabric store fractions expert
i'm not naturally inclined toward math. so you can understand the agony of having to cut and measure fabrics in ridiculous increments like 1 3/16 yards for psychotic quilters. and let's not get started on the shenanigans involved with ribbon and fusible webbing. but i love the fabric store and that 30% discount ensured my paycheck just turned around and went back there. i spent my time ogling things i was going to buy at the end of the week (most of which is sitting in big boxes in my closet to this day). the best part was helping people plan projects and them coming back to show me pictures.

Women's Diagnostic Imaging Center Receptionist
that's just a pretty name for a mammogram joint. unfortunately, when i worked there, it was called -- and i kid you NOT -- The Breast Center. and i had to answer the phone, 'Breast Center, this is cadiz, how may i help you?' my friends thought it'd be funny to call up and say stuff like, 'uh, yes, i'd like two breasts. to go, please. BWAHAHAHAHAAAAA!' that got old pretty quickly. but cancer isn't a joke; people had to fill out history forms, and nearly 3/4 of patients were related to someone with breast cancer. it's really important to get that stuff checked out. seriously.

Emergency Room paper pusher
you know those annoying people, who by the way, are NEVER shown on Grey's Anatomy or ER or House or Chicago Hope or any of the other medical shows on TV? if you've actually been to the ER, you know the ones. they're annoying. they're unwelcome. they're the ones who timidly come into a room and say, 'ma'aam/sir, i understand that you're broken/bleeding/vomiting/screaming/high/have a 2X4 nailgunned to your hand (that really happened)/passed out, but would you mind if i took a photocopy of your insurance card and ask you a bunch of legal/clerical questions?' yeah. but at least i got to put the name bracelets on people and make charts. and the paramedics were almost always really cute.

Dungeon Diva
that pretty much just speaks for itself.


Four Films I Can Watch Over And Over:
(please note that i didn't have cable and was VERY sheltered. that being said, i have a low tolerance for re-watching, except in the cases of the extremely cheesy.)

amelie
makes me happy. but it works. every time.

sleepless in seattle
totally ridiculous in so many ways, but who can argue with true love?

dilwale dulhania le jayenge
bollywood at its best. dance sequences involve 20 costume changes, 3 countries, 400 extras, and a mandolin. c'mon, do the math.

troop beverly hills
i don't even have anything to say to defend myself. and he's going to deny it, but my brother loves that movie, too.

Four Places I have Lived:

Naperville, IL
Champaign, IL
Granada, Spain
St. Paul, MN (but mostly Minneapolis where i crashed when i was too lazy to drive back at the end of the night)


Four TV Programs I Love To Watch:
(please recall that i do not have cable and that i work nights. my tv viewing is at the mercy of what i can get my roommates to leave the tv alone for in order to record it)

lost
keeps you paying attention, that one. and i'm very details-oriented.

the amazing race
i refuse to categorize this as a 'reality' show. racing around the world doing stunts to win more trips and a million bucks? does it GET any better?

desperate housewives
prime time soap opera. i'll admit it.

arthur
though i think the kid who does his voice is maturing. and i'm getting up too late to catch it anymore.

Four Places I Would (will) Have Visited, Had (when) I Had (have) The Money:

Iceland
Cinque Terra, Italy
Ireland
Japan

Four Websites I Visit Daily:
(not necessarily in this order)

msnbc.com
salon.com
fark.com
bridgettwalther.com

Four Of My Favorite Foods:

my mother's chicken curry with piping hot chapatis

beef congee from a mom/pop chinese restaurant, or BETTER from somebody's mom's kitchen, who unfortunately moved to Taiwan. :(

maki rolls

cheeseburgers


Four Places I Would Rather Be:

not in the dungeon
not in the dungeon
not in the dungeon
not in the dungeon

Four Bloggers I Am Tagging:

jon was right; but as much as i love these things, i have no idea who's already gotten tagged and i suspect i'm at the end of the line. and i hate when people say, 'whoever wants to do it, do it,' but say it i must.

four really is my favorite number. even though it sounds like 'death' in Chinese.

a very ugly kind of groundhog's day

today i looked back at my planner from last year. this time last year:

i slept till 2 p.m. every day
i ate at 3 p.m. and 3 a.m., if i felt like it
i paid for my cellphone but hardly used it
i bitched about my commute
i knew it was time to go to bed when i heard my roommates getting up for work
i watched a movie every day from netflix
i sat in the dungeon

yeap. pretty much the same.

tales of a six-year-old shrimp

when i was a kid, i was small. pretty tiny, really. in fact, when i was a six-year-old in Mrs. Bryan's first-grade class, these boys thought it'd be cool to call me 'shrimpy' out on the kickball field as some kind of intimidation tactic. it pissed me off so much that other kids thought it'd be fun to join in. soon nearly the entire class was on the bandwagon. i'm not sure how long this went on -- in my memory it stretched for eons longer than it should have -- but you know when you're in first grade, an afternoon is an eternity.

i had always been kind of a feisty little girl. i didn't take any shit from anybody, even my parents, and in my opinion, being ridiculed on the playground was simply intolerable. my recollection of the following incident is a little fuzzy, but it was related to my mother later that afternoon during a phone call from my teacher. Mrs. Bryan and my mom were already pretty good pals since she had called my mother to out me for hiding summer dresses in my bookbag and changing in the girl's room every morning and afternoon. (i despised being forced to wear jeans or corduroys, especially with long underwear underneath during the winter; i'd rather wear a crumpled frock any day.)

After recess, Mrs. Bryan had left us alone in the room gluing little crepe paper squares onto construction paper off the ends of our pencils to make daffodils or fish or something of the like. absence of authority was a perfect opportunity to start the 'shrimpy'-taunting again. but by this time i had probably had enough, so i cleared my desk, climbed up on the table and screamed something to the effect of, 'i might be small, but I'M SMARTER THAN ALL OF YOU!' at the top of my lungs. and while the other kids looked at me, stunned, i climbed down and calmly went back to my perfectionistic crepe-gluing. Mrs. Bryan came in a second later, having seen the whole thing from the window in the door. i think i would have remembered if she had said anything to me, but no one in that class ever messed with me again.

the other day, my mom was telling me about some of my other childhood antics. we were remembering how bossy i was when she'd brush my hair because it had to be done just so and though i demanded to keep my hair long, i wanted her to be fast about it. in the middle of laughing, she sort of paused and said, 'it was always your way or the highway, cadiz. you knew what you wanted and you never put up with anything less. what happened to that girl?'

at that point i couldn't do anything but shrug. but to be honest, i think about that little girl all the time. i really miss her.

why i love gay men

when they tell you that you're beautiful, funny, smart or awesome, or that your booty looks nice in those jeans, they really mean the compliment. they're not just trying to get into your pantalones.

plus they're often very fun. and pretty.

u bst bettr rcogniz spllng, btchs

in an effort to streamline our communicative lives, Motorola has been introducing slimmer, more tote-able phones. and they have slimmer names to match, which seem to need all capital letters:

RAZR
PEBL
SLVR

are these secret acronyms to represent some sort of weekend golf game inside joke among the suits? did some ad agency advise them to try to be all --forgive the pun-- cutting edge? or maybe it's just a cost-effective measure: remove any absolutely unecessary letters and save some cash? dude, pat sajak and vanna white want their little wheel of fortune charge-for-vowels trick back.

whatever the reason, it's annoying. and confusing. btw, that last one they have is supposed to be 'sliver' not 'silver, which is what i thought when i first read it. see? placement of the vowel can completely change the meaning. this, coupled with the bastarization of the english language that probably started with instant messaging is why kids can't spell for crap anymore. just watch, they'll bump televised spelling bees up to regular ESPN -- it's competition that takes a rare and dying skill.

when your dirty past catches up with you

yeah, so you know i've boasted about waiting till the last minute, languishing around the house instead of getting going but still scraping by on a wing and a prayer?

i knew that kind of behavior was going to come back and bite me on the booty one of these days.

this morning i was supposed to be on an 8:05 a.m. flight out of LAX. i know i have bitched about chicago traffic before, too. but L.A. is a different jungle altogether. we meant to leave around 6:15 to get to the airport by 7. except for that gd snooze button that entices me every freaking morning. i skipped a shower to sleep longer with the excuse that i would do online check-in from the house to save even more time. even so, we ended up leaving around 6:45. the kiss of death, i tell you. but what i don't get is how the carpool lane moves just as slowly, if not slower than the other lanes. and it's as though people have nowhere to be! good LORD, i would go berserk having to drive in L.A. all the time. it's bad enough here. laid-back attitude? no thank you, ma'am.

to make what could be a very lengthy rant concise: i missed my flight. by MINUTES. it was 7:58 and we were about a block from the terminal. i had seen people make flights by showing up mere minutes before -- and done it myself a few times -- but no such luck today.

and what's worse is that i had planned on getting home at 2 p.m. to have a couple hours to go home, shower and get my work stuff together before fighting my own local form of hell to be at work by 6. um, yeah. i was on standby for a flight that got in at 4:10 p.m., essentially the time i'd have to hit the road to be able to clock in on time. so my dirty, tired, sleepless (there was an old lady bumping my seat and yammering for nearly FOUR HOURS behind me on the plane) ass dragged itself straight to work. no work gear. dressed in the ratty jeans i'd worn all weekend, a crumpled t-shirt and a pilly, stretched out tie-up sweater that i covered myself with as much as possible so the boss wouldn't see the cracked iron-on lettering of 'rosalie's diner' on my shirt peeking out from under it when he called me into a meeting. which only had three people in it.

it gets better. this week i am the late person, so as soon as i get in, it's catch-up time. which is cool, except for when the only thing you've had to eat all day was a tall mocha from starbucks and you have probably slept about 3.5 hours in the last 30 hours. and you have a headache. AND you have dungeon duty.

so here i am. my temples are throbbing. i'm waiting for reports. i'm resisting every last urge to put my head down on this cool formica tabletop and pass the hell out. i'm making my good old dad haul his booty all the way out here to pick me up at 3 a.m. but the poor man has to wait down the street because security won't let him into the parking lot. so i'll have to truck my happy ass out there to the corner. a block away from the seedy YMCA where people are always loitering about and leering. my poor sweet old pops.

i'm sorry i'm so cranky. i think i'm in a bad mood. but i guess i had it coming.

masthead

the everyman in joey tribbiani

recently i caught an old rerun of 'Friends' on tv after work. it was the one where the only way Ross and Rachel can get their baby daughter to laugh was to sing 'Baby Got Back,' to her. that was the main story, but per usual the other characters had storylines, too, including phoebe meeting her boyfriend's park avenue parents and joey and chandler checking out monica's exboyfriend Richard's apartment.

Chandler: There's a tape here with Monica's name on it!
Joey: Ooh, a tape with a girl's name on it. Probably a sex tape! [Thinks a moment] Wait a minute! This says, 'Monica.' [Thinking more] And this is Richard's apartment... [Still trying to put it all together]
Chandler: Get there. FASTER!

it's all laid out. right in front of him. ready to be put together to form a logical conclusion. but as loveable as he is, for joey there is just something that keeps him from seeing the obvious.

happy valentine's day.

sometimes the ice just ain't your friend

okay, i know i haven't posted in a while, but things have been crazy and haven't gone as well as i had hoped. i've been frustrated and restless and couldn't seem to figure out why until i had this weird, superstitious idea. i'm not sure if it's all in my head, but as soon as i followed my instinct, things seemed to get a little brighter. all i needed to do was get rid of the bling.

i come from a long line of women who believe you're running around practically naked if you 'don't have anything in your ears or your throat.' meaning, of course, that a proper woman never leaves the house unadorned, even if it isn't anything fancy. so over the years i've accumulated bit of jewelry -- mostly because my family members love me and hope i'll like it, but also partly because i don't see most of them for years at a time. let's face it, unless you're considerably large for your age, a necklace or earrings is gonna fit.

because of this i have a shelf on my bookcase full of containers. one big box with stained glass on the little doors and revolving hooks and drawers, furry linty boxes that open on a hinge, tiny round and square plastic boxes with scripty store names engraved on the lids, zippered velvet bags in all kinds of shapes and sizes. all holding trinkets and baubles. and all of them beautiful. (well, except the one really hideous silver necklace/earring set with several black stones the size of quarters hanging off it. i would never be caught dead in anything so flashy. it's pretty, but really not my style.)

on top of that, i'm lazy. i usually wear plain hoops and a thin chain, maybe with a small pendant like the cool-looking hollow one that looks like a bullet and is full of holy wax from a famous church that my aunt traveled really far to pray at. the only items i wear with any regularity are my silver anklets, and i haven't worn them all winter because my boots are form-fitting and cause them to dig into my ankles. other than that, i change my jewelry about once every couple of months. if i remember.

about a month ago, i was looking for something my mom wanted and started feeling guilty for having nice stuff and never wearing it. i knew i'd never be on top of things enough to change it up every day, let alone match my outfits, so i decided to bust out something out of the ordinary. i found these gold studs my uncle's wife bought for me -- two sets, for both sets of my ear piercings, with one little smaller for the upper ones, and both with just a little bit of bling in them. diamonds, i guess. then i found a matching ring my mom bought herself to keep her wedding ring from sliding off after she'd lost a few pounds with a few small stones in it. very pretty. i decided i'd try it out for awhile.

it was hard to remember to put it on in the morning, but i got into the swing of it. the ring would be nice to fiddle with during boring meetings or while i was waiting for the shuttle bus. but i swear, the day i started sporting the bling, things started to go wrong. everything i tried to do with the best intentions seemed to hit a snag. meetings didn't go according to plan, i seemed to always say and do the wrong thing at the wrong time and what did go right wasn't always received well. i got into stupid tiffs with people i loved, and was paranoid about what the people i liked thought of me. i caught all the red lights when i was in a hurry, and the store was always out of what i was looking for. the post office lost my netflix dvds, so i had nothing to watch for almost two weeks. i got the flu. and then the stupid new blind eyebrow lady yanked out more than half of my brows but left annoying stray hairs that i had to spend 2 hours taking care of myself. i just couldn't catch a break. and i'll look like a constantly surprised freak for another two weeks.

again, maybe it was all in my head. but it was starting to get me down and i couldn't figure out why everything was going so very wrong. until this morning. when i traced the start of my misfortune to the day i changed the jewelry. so i took it off and put it back in the box. today i didn't have to wait in line at the bank. or for my haircut. and even though i took off five inches, i'm pretty happy with my hair. the store had a full supply of the conditioner i was looking for, which is constantly sold out. i managed to do an afternoon's worth of errands in an hour and a half and was EARLY for work. i prevented a big mistake during my shift. my lunch order, and that of three other people, was somehow not all screwed up. my car just happened to be close enough to under the bridge that there wasn't too much snow to clean off of it when i got off work. and i actually have a couple of days off this weekend.

who says the sparkle in your life has to come from a diamond? i'm rocking some boring silver earrings i bought at Claire's Boutique in 1997 for ten bucks.

and i feel great.

just don't call him Doctor

'they're going to use Mr. Spock in one of the Superbowl commercials! ha ha!'

'hey, isn't he dead?'

'no, that's Scotty. i don't think Mr. Spock can die. Actually, i don't think he's a mister, shouldn't he be called like 'commander' or something?'

'i don't know much about it, but my husband's a trekkie. i think it's lieutenant commander or something.'

'yeah, why don't you ask him?'

'...okay, thanks, bye. In the beginning he started out as a science officer. then he became an admiral.'

'then who's Dr. Spock?'

'oh brother, that's a whole different kind of Spock all together.'

i followed your suggestions

and i was doped up, drunk, smelly, sticky and really really had to pee.

but i feel better.

i was a little scared of the concoctions, we were out of mustard and i couldn't get a hold of that mustard oil, but i did a lot of sleeping, zinc-ing, fluid-taking, and whining. overall i think the continual shots of nyquil are what have worked the best, but i'm a little buzzed from it as we speak, so really it's anyone's guess.

please people, save yourselves! wash your hands obsessively, don't share breathing room with anyone and swab down those phones and keyboards. take it from someone who's going to have lost at least 5 pounds from not being able to keep food down and will have abs of steel from all the coughing.

three boxes of kleenex in five days. that pretty much says it all.
but thanks for the good vibes and advice.

anyone got any bugspray?

having the flu sucks.

it's from the biblioteca

'what's up j [woman from my spanish class]? hey, how's your new spanish class working out?'

'actually we were lucky because there's only about 3 of us and usually that's not enough to constitute a class, but they gave it to us because we've been there for several years and they consider us 'dedicated students.' '

'that's nice of them. hey, what have you got there?'

'oh, i checked out a few movies en espanol from the school's library.'

'al Sur de Granada? Granada! that's where i studied! i love granada. you'll have to tell me if it is any good.'

'hey you know what, i got three this time around, and there's no way i can watch three at once, why don't you borrow this one for the weekend? just give it back to me on monday.'

'seriously? what's it about? oh, look, it takes place in the alpujarras! it's beautiful there; we went hiking. wait a second... 'una atractiva y sensual muchacha que le fascina inmediatamente y con la que descubre la plenitud del amor fisico que su educacion victoriana nunca le permitio a imaginar.' ['an attractive and sensual girl who fascinates him immediately and with whom he discovers a plentitude of physical love that his victorian education never permitted him to imagine']... uh, what kind of movie is this?'

'hey cadiz, sounds like j's trying to give you some p*rn there. what's your problem, j? i usually have no problem watching three p*rnos all at once.'

'you're too much.'

easy as apple pie

chipoltay.

chipottle.

and my personal favorite, chiportal.

in this day and age, you can't get much more american than Chipotle, people. it's a fast-food chain mostly owned by McDonald's, for God sake. and there are zero silent letters or trick sounds.
LEARN HOW TO SAY IT.

don't mess with this dress

a while back, i got a call from the nice ex-boyfriend at 4 a.m. on a saturday night. i don't hear from him very often; we broke up a little after college and didn't talk for a few years. now it's mostly just birthday wishes, career updates and the occasional relationship advice. i was surprised to hear from him, but it was a welcome call because i had just gotten home from work and was already bored with the informercials that night. it seems nice-x went out west to meet up with one of his old roommates from college -- a rocket scientist who is trapped in the desert for his work on space stuff -- and they were drunkenly reminiscing about the good old days. i could hear the rocket scientist yelling, 'HIYYYYYYY CAAAADIZ!' and randomly adding his two-cents in the background.

the memory that made them think of me was of a time a bunch of us took a van down to florida for spring break. we stopped at a few places along the way, but the main destination was Daytona Beach. aside from its racecar fame, Daytona had been known for some crazy spring break activities back in the day. but by the time we made it down there, i think most of the u.s. collegiate debauchery had made its way to Cancun or other places. regardless, the nightlife was still catering to students, as evidenced by minivan cabs that would allow 21 people to crowd in at once (you think i'm kidding, but i counted) and all-you-can-drink for $20 specials.

our group consisted of nice-x, me, rocket scientist, his girlfriend and a few single friends of the boys. i guess hanging with couples made the singles want to do a little woman hunting. i have no problem with clubs, but these guys kept choosing ones with really crappy music and no dancing (perhaps factors in why they weren't finding any decent women). needless to say, rocket science gf and i were bored. so we drank. a lot.

alcohol tends to make me emotional. it's just that you never know which emotion is going to come out. that night i was a little annoyed that we were forced to hang out in a place that was offering a wet T-shirt contest (they claimed they didn't know before we had all paid cover), so i tried to hide my sulking with jack & coke. i had a nice buzz. and it was fantastic weather, so i was wearing a little dress, but by no means was i looking like a streetwalker. as we were walking out of the club and down the sidewalk, we passed a group of big, burly guys spilling out from some beer garden place who were blocking the path.

'excuse me.'

'mmmh! excuse me, girl.'

i wasn't feeling the way he held his beer out to the side, stepped back and looked me up and down with a red-riding-hood's-wolf stare. as i passed, i stopped, turned on my heel, put my hand on my hip, narrowed my eyes and shot him a nasty look.

'WHAT did you say to me? uh uh, no you DID-N'T.'

from there the rest is a little fuzzy, but i'm told i just went off on this guy, telling him that if he wanted to cause trouble he could just bring it, because you know what, i could take him AND all his friends. i do remember looking back at nice-x -- who was about fifteen feet behind me -- to see sheer terror on his face. i guess i had picked a fight with a good portion of the defensive line of the Purdue football team, and as athletic as nice-x is, one long-distance track star cannot possibly take on that kind of brawn. especially when his lady was running her mouth as much as i was. i guess nice-x talked me out of my oh-yes-i-CAN-kick-your-ass-let's-go plan and got me out of there. honestly, those guys were probably more amused by me than anything else, but it was almost worth it to see nice-x so freaked out. to this day he talks about that day as though he had narrowly escaped some kind of horrible accident.

'remember that time in daytona when you went all attitude and almost got me beaten to a bloody pulp by the Purdue football team?'

'uh, attitude?'

'you know, you were moving your head from side to side on your neck and shaking your finger at that guy.'

'YEAH, AND YOU WERE SNAPPING, TOO!'

'oh, like rosie perez?'

'yeah, that's it. dude, those guys coulda killed me.'

'THAT WAS SCARY!'

'whatever. you know i could have taken them. who said anything about needing you?'

'you know, you're lucky i got you away from them. that was trouble.'

'YEAH!'



thank you, nice-x, for rescuing me that night. and for being an all-around good guy. you're going to make some girl really happy one day. happy birthday.

innocence lost

'yeah, i went out and bought 'Wedding Crashers.' '

'really? you liked it that much, eh? did you watch it already?'

'yeah, with mom.'

'you made OUR MOTHER watch that dirty-ass movie?'

'yeah, it was the 'uncorked' version, too. don't worry, i fast-forwarded all the bad parts.'

'so you showed her about 10 minutes of it, then?'

'pretty much. yeah, you know that one part where they're in the church and vince vaughn tells owen wilson about how he got 'eye-f*cked' by some girl?'

'OH MY GOD.'

'yeah, i didn't see that one coming quick enough and mom was like, 'what does that mean?'

'you're going to hell.'

never go to the grocery when you're hungry

the other night i got off work early and i had a taste for a rich, chocolatey brownie. usually, i'd just skip it and go on, but i figured, hey, i've got some extra time, maybe i'll hit the grocery store.

i was catching up with my friend on the phone about all the stuff i'd missed these last couple of weekends i had been working. there's no one in the grocery store at 11 p.m., so i was walking up and down the aisles, chatting away about boys, weddings, drama, work. i told her about how i'm trying to start bringing my lunch because there's no reason i shouldn't buy yogurt in bulk for 80 cents instead of paying $1.49 for it in the cafeteria. i meant to pick up a few things, like sandwich supplies, a couple frozen meals for when i am running late, some cans of juice. but as i walked around i became entranced by the deals. for some reason, i was under the impression that when it says 'Ten for $10.00' i have no choice but to buy ten.

i guess i was so distracted by the conversation that i wasn't paying attention to how much stuff i had. soon enough, my cart was overflowing. i had to hang up with her so i could concentrate on getting it all to the checkout. and despite having a savings card, i managed to rack up $130.00 worth of 'lunch items.'

and it all started because of that damn two-dollar brownie. but i have no regrets. that thing was really good.

last meal

they executed a 76-year-old man today in california. he was blind, diabetic and in a wheelchair. for his last meal, the guy ordered fried chicken, buffalo steak, whole milk, ice cream and sugar-free pecan pie.

am i the only one who's wondering why, if you're on your way to your death, you wouldn't just splurge on a sugary pie?

this stuff makes me cringe

12/20
when your best friend, who is famous for her thoughtful, lengthy holiday card missives, tries to pass off a picture of her and her husband as a christmas card without even addressing you.

12/19
when your coworker invites the person hired to replace you to your going away party.

12/18
when you snap whenever spoken to and want to continue to be nocturnal because then you can have free reign of the remote control.

11/20
when something goes sorta right, but then something goes really wrong and you are sad and mad and hope to be glad, but you can't tell anyone around and you have no minutes so you can't call anyone either.

11/09
when you've been waiting 11 months to take the one week you get off a year, and see that they've forgotten they granted it and scheduled you anyway.

10/30
having to go home and go back to work

10/29
pumpkin guts in the garbage disposal that turn the dinner you had planned into in-n-out and a movie

10/28
when one of your best friends calls you sobbing and you're 2,000 miles away. again. timing really freaking sucks.

10/27
when you're going out to dinner with your boyfriend, his two sisters and the one sister's boyfriend, and you're looking to the other outsider to give you a little backup in keeping the conversation flowing and he says nothing for FORTY-FIVE MINUTES AT A TIME. so you have to resort to talking about the job that you're really starting to loathe. sigh.

10/17
finding out that the competition got a permanent leg up on you. then having to admit to yourself that you probably didn't put as forth as much effort as was needed to really be a contender. and then you wonder why. and then you continue to struggle to care.

10/16
when your brother calls from teh emergency room. again

10/2
feeling as if you're a hamster in a wheel-- no matter how good your cardiovascular health is, you're not actually getting anywhere

10/1
coming back to reality

9/25
feeling 'off'

9/24
having no motivation whatsoever, even when your rent is on the line.

9/18
hoping that a feeling will get you through the next five months.

9/12
being late for something he's been looking forward to for months.

9/7
working more than 40 hours a week (not including the 15 hours for commuting) and not getting a lunch break. and then having to see others complain about 55 minutes not being enough to shop with during their break.

8/11
people who are MORONS. people who think "fox news is still decent" despite the fact that they blatantly censor anything that is remotely critical of the government because the guy who runs it is related to the president. and thinking that getting the news should make you "feel at ease." why don't you pick up a Nancy Drew book with a nice tidy ending if you want that, because in reality, a WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE ARE DYING and we'd better wake up and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

people who go on and on about how bad the media is on their blogs without for one SECOND taking the time to think about what the hell it TAKES to report a fair story, newspaper or otherwise, and realize that at the end of the day EVERYONE is human and that there is no other profession in this world that gets as much crap blamed on them as the media. give up your life, happiness, time, family. get doors slammed in your face, phones hung up on you, people yell at you all because you think that something that you're working so hard for might just HELP SOMEBODY or shed light on some injustice.

8/4
when you become terrified your life is on track to resemble a tv sitcom, but instead of shrugging your shoulders with a smile at the foibles of your partner, you fear you will accidentally strangle him in rage because you're not as good as the people on tv.

7/29
stupid shoes that make you wish your feet could be temporarily amputated to take a break from the pain

when the heat index is 115 degrees and you're wearing triple-ply satin

trying to hold up/adjust/not to trip on a cathedral train

missing exits

getting people together for pictures; like herding drunken cats

wedding speeches scheduled for the end of the night

when no one will dance and you realize the videographer has just captured you, solo on the floor for the last 1/2 hour because the guests are so lame

when the airconditioning breaks down

when the best man can't keep his hands to himself

when the only thing that's open is mcdonalds

removing liquid eyeliner

missing exits. again.

flight delays


7/24
CORPORATE FUCKING AMERICA.

7/17
commenters who only leave smiley faces. that's ALL you could think of to say? or is it just a quick and easy cut-and-paste ploy to attract more traffic to your site? eiw.

7/2
when someone you've thought you had a lot in common with for decades insinuates, in no uncertain terms, that due to the fact that you don't get up an hour early every day to paint your face like a clown somehow makes you an alien with whom it is embarrassing to be seen in public.

6/22
when someone i love is sad and hurting and i can't do a single thing about it

4/27
when annoying memories come up for no reason whatsoever

4/23
having told everyone you know about your weekend plans, only to scrap said itinerary to sleep in and then feeling the need to come up with an elaborate excuse for why you didn't do what you'd spent the last 2 weeks prattling on about ad nauseam

4/22
when several people close to you call at precisely the time when they know very well that you are unable to take their calls

creepy ghost towns

4/21
having to follow someone going considerably below the speed limit for more than ten miles with no outlet for passing their sorry caboose

4/9
when your coworker likens a phrase used at your weekly office meeting to the final scene in 'requiem for a dream' and you're doing your best to erase the connection that has now been burned upon your retinas and will force you to stifle uncontrollable nervous laughter whenever you hear your boss mention the 'end-to-end project' again.

4/8
finally grasping just how addicted you are to something/one, when you look at the clock for the fiftieth time today and realize you have only gone without it/them for 22 hours. and it's killing you.

complex crochet baby blanket patterns that boggle your mind but look so damn precious.

4/2
when you realize you can't stand your new phone because you're a crotchety old lady who can't get used to new technology

4/1
when you're not quite slick enough to get to the check before your companions, who headed the waiter off at the pass

3/24
when you're working on no sleep and trying to carry too many things at once and then when your phone falls to its death on the concrete steps, you are too stunned to comprehend it.

3/23
people who aren't considerate to the fact that them waking you up to tell you something that can wait can seriously mess up your day.

3/22
when chocolate cake doesn't even make you feel better.

3/18
going to a place where everyone else makes you feel like an animal at the zoo.

3/12
the fact that a simple three-letter word can make you want to cry. even after all this time.

3/11
waffling. and being aware of it.

when you are convinced some actor looks just like someone you know, but can't get anyone to agree more than a pitiful, 'um, maybe a little from the side...?'


3/10
having your heart set on lasagna, but then realizing it's going to be more than 2 hours before its done

3/9
coming up with a great birthday gift idea only to get a call from the recipient, who's at the store buying it for herself.

3/7
not being in tune enough to know what you want, not being strong enough to try and find out and resenting the people who care enough to tell it to you straight up

when your gd left eyelid will not, for the love of heaven, stop TWITCHING

3/5
being the one to tell someone you care about something that hurts them now but hopefully will make them stronger for later. but wanting to vomit anyway because it sickens you so much even though it's the truth.

3/4
hanging out with the old crew and being mad at the world for being unable to be able to dance with them every week because you have to work to pay the bills.

3/3
having stayed up all night for four nights and not being able to sleep

3/2
when every POSSIBLE thing that can go wrong does, standing in the way of your completing a very simple task and turning it into the worst nightmare of the last five years

2/27
spending the whole day kicking yourself for putting off something yesterday that you're now forced to do today. sigh.

2/26
when you know it is IMPERATIVE you do something, and you sit down, materials in hand and are physically unable to begin. maybe out of fear of failure, maybe out of laziness, but somehow you manage to come up with an excuse that makes lying in your bed and finishing a gripping novel instead somehow okay.

2/25
realizing you'd better bring your A game more than ever, b/c there are several dozen people you need to watch out for

2/23
not being sure. about anything. not having any one stable thing to hold onto.

2/22
deliverypeople who promise 'same-day service' and take 5 days to get you your stuff

2/18
coming to the conclusion that somehow, it really is your fault that this keeps happening

2/17
dragging yourself to the city only to get there and wait on everyone else

being seated right next to the door at a busy restaurant when it's 0 degrees and blustery outside

finding out someone who treated you like crap is treating someone else like a queen

2/16
not realizing how sad you are until starting to cry when the parking lot guy is just trying to do his job

still wanting to believe even though every bullshit-detecting alarm in your gut is going off

the 'i told you so' tone even without the 'i told you so' words

2/15
waking up early

really bad a.m. traffic

missing planes

not being able to shower after traveling

making my poor dad get out of bed to come get me at work at 3 a.m. because i didn't have time to get my own car

2/14
feeling like a chump

2/9
counting the seconds till you can leave work

2/4
running out of cough drops

2/3
realizing you've contibuted to the wave of influenza sweeping across the office like a plague when the person who sits next to you -- the only one who had managed to avoid it -- goes home sick.

1/28
not being able to make up my mind

people who cannot grasp the concept of driving in the rain

getting sick

1/22
having to get up at 3:30 a.m. to drive through dense fog to sit in a dungeon.

1/19
waking up in a fantastic mood, telling everyone you know that because you woke up in a great mood something horrible is going to happen in the hopes that if you say that, said horrible thing won't happen, only to have horrible things happen. but at least you know you were right.

1/16
hauling your ass out of bed extra early to make sure you're on time, forgetting it's Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and no one's at work but you so that there isn't much traffic and even less work to do

1/15
only having one day off for a couple weeks, and not even being able to blame anyone else but myself for volunteering

1/14
showing up to a party, all proud of your fuzzy pink off-the-shoulder sweater, only to see somebody else with the same one in purple

stupid league bowling, which forces 8 cars to trek into the city in mad traffic THE ONE TIME we actually get to hang out anywhere close to my hood, just to get to the only alley that has open bowling on a saturday night

having to hit snooze on your biological clock every ten minutes while helping your friend's kid bowl on the bumper lanes

1/13
wracking your brain for the perfect gift for a 23-28-year-old stylish woman and only having 2 hours before work to find it.

boys in the underwear store

1/9
people not telling you that you've messed up until after it's way too late to do anything to fix it

1/5
the end of spanish class :(

1/4
not making it to the airport till 15 minutes before a flight

1/3
not having enough hours in the day to fully take advantage of 900 channels and ON DEMAND cable

1/2
MTV en espanol playing crap, most of which is in English, on the one weekend when you can actually watch it

1/1
not locating the potato peeler until after dicing 2 big potatoes into tiny pieces

12/31
wasting precious new year's festivity time trolling the city FOR FREAKING PARKING and having to wish loved ones in a driveway with the hazards on, only to spend ANOTHER 45 minutes after getting back to the homestead. and all this was well before the year had begun. here's hoping that 2006 has a better parking forecast.

this stuff makes me smile

12/20
never having to be snuck up on by the boss who travels like a shark again

12/19
never having to do tedious busywork to pass the time again

12/18
never having to work with that one nasty person again

11/19
when you know you've made somebody's day

11/09
when, for the past year and contrary to what your loved ones tell you, you're convinced you're absolutely no good at what you do and that everyone is out to get you, you have one 45-min conversation that turns that around. except the out to get you part. because paranoia never rests.

11/04
even though it took YEARS, hearing that in the end, i was right about him all along. damn straight, i was.

11/01
commitments that will only make me stronger

10/29
a *real* date. in person.

10/28
proving to any naysayers that i CAN, in fact accomplish what i set out to do

10/27
finishing a book in one planeride. even if it was plagiarized

10/17
talking monkeys

10/16
come-from-behind victories!

10/1
the magical music store

catching the game AND making it to the airport

9/30
garibaldi, the 'goldfish of the ocean'

unique jewelry

dolphins

9/29
when you actually like all of the items included in your airplane snackpack

when you swipe the in-flight magazine because you know your boyfriend would appreciate one of the articles and when you give it to him, he says he read part of that on the way to see you last and was hoping to get another look at it one day.

hot and sour soup

9/25
when you fear the worst out loud but hope for the best inside

9/24
when bad music can save the day

9/12
when your normally stoic kid brother tells you he loves you

9/7
when you've found someone who actually sort of appreciates your offkey renditions of bad '80s tv commercial jingles.

8/14
when you think your birthday is really going to suck and are all set to wallow in the fact that you'd be trapped in the dungeon, your supersweet boyfriend calls to ask you to pick him up from the airport! and when you find out that your family members had tried to help, too, it's all the better. there's nothing like being loved on your birthday.

8/5
when you and all (3) of your blood relatives on this continent gather together for a few tv-, radio-, telephone-less rounds of card games full of laughter and accusations of cheating, even if it's just for a few hours after which life interrupts and everyone goes a separate way.

7/29
getting gussied up (even though you'll never admit it)

pulling a speech out of nowhere and knowing that your procrastinated, adrenaline-fueled excuse for behavior has still got it. sort of.

a really good band

having someone at your side who actually isn't selfish

weddings that are OVER

7/16
smiling to yourself when it's 100 degrees outside because you don't wear much makeup so it's not melting off your face like other people who turn into a jabba-the-hut mess when they step out on the sidewalk.

6/23-6/26
dumplings
muffins
grandmas
salsa
oldschool music stores
previews
castles
the history channel
cozy dining
photobooths
powerwheels

knowing that i was right all along

4/26
finally getting a reprieve from uncertainty, if only just for a moment

4/24
a gorgeous and slightly breezy 20-block walk in downtown chicago

4/23
pizza delivery and bad cable movies

4/22
when people step out of their comfort zone to try something just because they know it'll make you happy.

4/21
weekend getaways

4/8
the 'crackhouse' that is the fabric store

realizing that 'shop around the corner,' 'good old summertime,' 'you've got mail' are essentially the same movie -- and that you've loved two of them and have already added the third to netflix because you're sure you'll love it just as much.

4/2
realizing that this is the day you don't have to make a 36-mile commute for the first time in something like 17 days

4/1
not having to enforce the forty-minute rule when a movie you think is really going to suck turns out to be not so bad after all

3/31
reliving old times with my roomie over oreos/milk and E! True Hollywood Story: Desperate Housewives

3/30
encyclopedia brown-- he's such a clever guy

3/28
forgetting to move your car and fearing it has been taken to the tow-yard of hell, only to discover that it's there, sitting pretty, AND NO TICKET! :)

3/25
feeling that silly, giddy camaraderie over tagine food, belly dancing and board games with some of your bestest pals

3/24
breaking 100 points at bowling and having ice cream cake

3/23
video messages

people sacrificing their sleep to entertain me.


3/22
the amazing race. it's freaking awesome.

3/17
when whatever it is that was out of joint for a month pops back into place and though you were functioning before, things are right again.

3/14
when the special thing you saw in somebody many months ago comes through-- in a box full of styrofoam peanuts-- to prove that you weren't completely off after all.

3/11
non-junk mail. even if it has a cat on it.

watching parents-to-be glow with the anticipation of their bundle of joy

being taken in a cab to where you had parked your car, even though it's just three blocks away, just to make sure you don't get jumped.

3/9
saying what you need to say and having it heard.

3/7
confirmation that yes, your mother ALWAYS knows the right thing to say to make you feel better. at least for a little while, anyway.

3/4
seeing awesome dancing, hanging at a diner and laughing harder than you have in months and doing a little dancing yourself

getting sweated by foreigners

3/3
getting a photocopy in the mail of a list your college roommate wrote years ago of 21 reasons why she thought you are awesome that she didn't end up giving you on your 21st birthday. for no reason at all, besides the fact that she found it at her mom's house. and it arrives the last day of one of the worst weeks of your life to cheer you up.

3/1
the love and generosity of great friends who will shelter you from the worst of storms

2/26
a poetry-bearing puppy

2/25
a tiny light at the end of a very long tunnel; at least it's a direction. sort of.

2/18
sleeping in

cruising down division with two of your best friends, all three singing along to madonna's 'sorry' at the top of their lungs for three different reasons, and nobody feels silly.

2/17
having a much needed day off

2/16
the dungeon maintenance man who has been working there nearly as long as you've been alive, hinting that he might want to set you up with his pimped-out-hydraulic-car-driving, supermarket-managing son, whose car may be used in a movie it's so sweet

2/15
when the annoying person who was waiting in line behind you to check in ends up sitting really far away from you on the plane

when people at work tell you they've missed you after five days off

when, even after all these years, your daddy still gets you beautiful flowers and candy on valentine's day, despite being only his second-best girl. and knowing that they're on the coffee table with your name on them before you even get home two days after the occasion

your pops being a good sport about getting up at 3 a.m. to drive 31 miles in crappy weather to come get you from work

2/14
cruising on the PCH

somehow entrancing the hostperson to let us cut in front of everyone in line at the restaurant and avoid a 1 1/2 hour wait because he can tell just how much i don't want to be forced to eat at Baja Fresh on valentine's day

1900 songs. all in a row.

2/12
homemade breakfast

2/11
sleeping in

2/10
85-degree weather when it's snowing at home

2/4
waking up to french toast in the morning

2/3
a country boy who introduces himself by his full name because 'it's only proper' and then apologizes for dropping the f-bomb with, 'sorry, i'm southern; i cuss.'

2/2
someone who will come to your room to see if you're dead when they hear you hacking up part of your lung at 5 a.m.

1/28
a group of people you've known for almost 20 years, with whom you can still have a fabulous time trapped in a small room with nothing but yourselves to entertain each other.

1/22
thinking you're having a good chat with someone and then looking at the clock to realize it's been nearly seven hours

1/19
coworkers who wait around while you sort out a big mess just because they want you to hang out afterward

1/16
getting to work so early that you have time for a toasted caprese (!)panini and a chat with a good friend

1/14
causing a ruckus with 20 ladies you haven't been able to see in a really long time in the private party room of a steakhouse and then being called 'hotties' as you and three of them are walking through the restaurant to the restroom

1/13
finding out that the gift you found is not only so cool you get one for yourself, but it's also on sale so you can get her the matching totebag, too -- which is sweet because when you swing by again 2 days later, they're totally sold out

1/6
when the dungeon security guard tells the shuttle to wait because he saw you pull into the parking lot and knows full well there are no spots any closer than a football field's distance away around the corner and that you really need to make the shuttle so you won't be late. and you're running between parked cars, even though you saw the shuttle pull out of the parking spot and you know you've probably missed it and will have to walk really far and be tired and late and sweaty, but then you emerge to see him grinning at you with a knowing smile in front of the shuttle, which is waiting just for you, and you thank God for this guy and that the jerk from the main office security doesn't work over here.

1/5
words of wisdom disguised as a grammar lesson

1/4
hanging out till the very last possible second

1/3
not having to move the car

1/1
figuring out how to work a foreign shower's hot/cold water

there's a reason it's called victoria's SECRET

victoria's secret, a women's undergarment store known for its catalogues and supermodels, was having a phenomenal sale this weekend. i'm not sure if the electric charge of having expensive merchandise marked down to semi-affordable ranges was what made people crazy, but there was definitely something in the air.

disturbing incident #1: my biggest pet peeve

i'm sorry, but boys should NOT be allowed in the ladies lingerie store! notice how i say boys. thoughtful significant others, who are sincerely shopping for their women (okay, let's face it, for themselves) in a sincere, respectful manner? A-okay in my book. what i CANNOT tolerate is when guys come in with their girlfriends, put their nasty paws all over everything while making lewd gestures and oh-yeah noises not unlike those of beavis and butthead and look around lasciviously at other women in the store. uh, NO. ladies! LEAVE YOUR STUPID, DROOLY BOYFRIENDS IN RADIO SHACK OR FOOTLOCKER SO I CAN BUY MY UNDIES IN PEACE! seriously, being in a store with these clowns automatically taints every item in the store and i must leave at once. it makes the idea of washing everything before wear even more essential.


disturbing incident #2: dumps like a truck truck truck

part of the phenomenal sale included bins of tangled underwear in all kinds of shapes in colors, simply sorted by size. and in the very center of the store, there was a table solely devoted to thongs, around which there was a bit of commotion. i was all the way over in the non-undies part of the store, but there was such a ruckus, i had to look over. two middle-aged women had taken it upon themselves to rifle through a mountain of floss, holding up items of curiosity such as a lovely fuschia number with sequins or the black with rhinestones or the teal with tassles. seriously, their picks were sort of raunchy and silly, and half the time they weren't sure which end was up.

'hey linda! how about this one?'
'ooh! definitely! it's got a charm on it!'
'no, no, this one is BETTER! it has BEADS!'

the rest of us were pretending we didn't hear them for the first couple of minutes, but then caught each other looking over at them with a shrug, as if to say, 'yeah, SOMEbody's a little excited about those.' it was a little uncomfortable in there until another lady asked them what all the fuss was about and they said they were buying a gag gift for their friend's fortieth birthday. at that point, everyone started chiming in with their advice on picks. what's up with older women and their underwear?


disturbing incident #3: the miseducation of harry potter

after i made my way over to the clothing section, i noticed a woman rifling through the contents of that same mountain of thongs. she was concentrating very hard, and taking care to dig all the way to the bottom, just so she wouldn't miss anything. she'd untangle one, hold it up, examine it from every angle and pause to decide. she was meticulous and thorough, which are great qualities to have when you're shopping. but not when you're in an underwear store with your ten-year-old son.

'can we go now?'
'huh? well, you had your chance to go with Erin, but you didn't want to.'
'i thought you'd be faster. you know she always takes FOREVER. geez, do you have to look at every single one?'
'well, honey, it's just that things in this store are normally very expensive, so when they go on sale, people...' (lapses into concentration)
'they want to make the most of it, right?'
'exactly.'

thing is, the kid was not too whiny, quietly standing by her, and -- most importantly -- he did not touch anything. however, he was paying very close attention to what was in front of him, namely the items being scrutinized by the woman. that in itself was troubling, because what little kid wants to watch his mother hold up lacy panties? eiw. not images i'd want of my parent. however, i think i was more upset than either one of them was. in fact, i'm still shuddering thinking about it.


disturbing incident #4: can i see your i.d.?

standing in line to check out was pretty interesting people-watching wise. there were older women in pairs, mom-and-daughter teams, giggly college students and women with their babies. but as i got closer to the front, i saw a group of two girls and a guy, making their purchase. the one girl was very cute and stylin with her shiny lipgloss and bedazzled jeans. she was all of fifteen, tops. she looked over her shoulder at the boy, who was no more than 92 pounds in his little alligator-icon collar shirt (with the collar down, thank god) and his Hollister shopping bag. now i could be wrong -- i had already been pretty traumatized -- when i thought i heard her say, 'you sure you really like it?' and he nodded yes. WHAT? these are CHILDREN!!! i highly doubt she was referring to a perfume she just bought, or that they're really brother and sister who were purchasing a gift for a family member. the cheesy grins and impatient feet-shuffling was all about the preteenage we're-'going out'-but-don't-actually-go-anywhere-mall-group-outing-pseudo-date. CHILDREN, I SAY! WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?


i paid for my stuff and got the hell out of there as soon as i possibly could. yeah, i know. i belong in a different era. like a prudish, english, victorian one. regardless, i think it's going to be awhile till i go in there again. thank goodness they don't have sales very often.

don't F with the man with the yellow hat

i can't begin to describe how disappointed and annoyed i am that they're making a movie version of 'Curious George.'

in for the long haul

'whatcha doin'?'

'watching the 'Lost' i taped. that Mr. Eko is a badass. why are you up so late, mister?'

'i'm just getting off work.'

'dude, it's 1 a.m. even i've been home for almost an hour. what time did you start today?'

'9 a.m. what? it's no big surprise; i worked from 8:30 to 2 a.m. yesterday and till 1 the night before that.'

'what the hell are they trying to do to you?'

'we have a big project going on right now. it's only for a couple weeks, but seriously, i'm at the end of my rope.'

'ouch.'

'can you please tell me, why does my schedule suck so much?

'uh, have you forgotten who you're speaking to? i believe in the last six days i've worked 4-midnight, 2-10p, 3-11p and 5:30-2a. come to think of it, my life evaporated as soon as i started this job.'

'okay, you do have it pretty bad. anyway, if i could just stick it out another 2 years, i can get promoted and make 30% more in salary. but godddd, it's gonna be rough.'

'that sounds pretty damn nice to me. you can do it. just don't give yourself an ulcer, heart attack or get hooked on uppers to get the job done.'

'we'll have to see about that. wait a second. okay, i'm putting up with this crap schedule for the sweet monetary payoff. what the hell are you in it for?'

'good question.'

if i were packing, i'd be rich

i am a frequent flyer at the cafeteria on the first floor of my office building.

so frequent, in fact, that i'm on a first-name basis with the staff down there, and if i don't visit at least once a day, Michael will ask me where i've been hiding. they have pretty healthy stuff, too like hummus and pita or a wonton salad that has tangerines and chicken. and fancy health juice.

but today i came to realize just how expensive it is when i brought a ham sandwich on a croissant, a yoplait yogurt and a mega berry juice. more than $11. dude, i could have gotten SO much more of a better meal for that, were i not too lazy to actually leave the building.

damn, convenience is pricey. i need to start bringing my lunch.

strung up

my mother told me she was going out shopping today. for panties.

it seems one of her good friends is turning fifty years old and a bunch of them are going to get up early and hang fifty undergarments -- in various sizes -- all over the woman's front yard. i think the sign they're working on will say something like, 'happy birthday, we support you!' my mom is usually the epitome of proper decorum (she said she certainly wasn't going to be donating her own undies). outwardly i was shocked that she's let the junior-high humor of her coworkers influence her.

but inside i was thinking to myself, 'damn, i hope i have that much fun when i'm fifty.'

the grand tour

so i was supposed to work with the new guy today. friday's a late night, so i was actually sort of excited to have company out here in the dungeon -- especially during that long stretch until the last reports trickle in around 2 a.m. i even sort of arranged for him to have a tour. you know, "there's a wall. and the other desk. oh, there's the printer. and oooh, another wall..." no, seriously, i was going to take him to the cafeteria and show him the back parking lot. dude, i was so excited, i even got in early so i could have the work set up for him properly to learn.

bah, the guy called in sick. so here i am. alone with my thoughts. again.

boo.

more than conjugation

i've been taking a spanish class before work since august. mostly because:

a) it's a better way to spend the day than sleeping till 2 p.m. after having stayed up all night doing ridiculous things like painting my toenails
b) it gets me out of the house and away from the television
c) i have to walk more than fifteen blocks from where i park -- more exercise than i've been getting as of late
d) maybe i'd get to know my coworkers
e) maybe i'd meet cool people
f) i'd get to relive the glory days of school when i left homework till the last minute and challenged myself to completing it at a stoplight, on a bus or walking up the stairs, not with accuracy but completion in mind (still got it!)
g) maybe i wouldn't use up my daytime cellular minutes harassing my friends/family within the first three days of my billing cycle and be forced to live as a hermit the rest of the month anymore
h) one day i couldn't remember the second-person present subjunctive for poner was for about three hours, which really pissed me off
i) i tried to read this book, 'el escandalo,' that i had bought in Granada solely because it was written by Pedro Antonio de Alarcon -- a man after whom the major strip we partied on every night for the entire semester i was there was named -- and didn't get very far
j) i don't completely feel like myself unless i'm in some kind of class
k) it was in the office conference room
l) the company was paying

even though i'm still up at all hours wasting time, i did in fact meet cool people. i got to know two coworkers better. i completed my homework on the shuttlebus when i managed to catch it, however it didn't work as well when i had to walk. i was never on time (sometimes an hour late), but hardly missed a class. i ended up using more daytime minutes because it was more daytime hours i was awake. i definitely brushed up on grammar and have come to the realization that as 'escandaloso' as Alarcon's book is, the main reason i couldn't get through it was because it's boring.

today was the last day of class. i was sad. because, despite all the trouble it was getting out of bed on tuesdays and thursdays and however much i would struggle and make up broke-ass pretend spanish words (usually something in english with -ar or -er and a question mark slopped onto the end), i really had a great time. the profesora is a fiesty bolivian mamma who has lived on four continents and will probably have been to the rest by the end of 2006. she believes you need to ditch the book to really learn the language and is extremely supersitious. she tells it like it is in that straightforward, you-need-to-hear-it way not unlike my own goldenhearted mother, especially when i was the only one there. needless to say, i learned a whole lot more than just grammar in that class. case in point:

'forgive my bluntness, cadiz, but you remind me so much of my daughter, so i feel like i can be direct. in my era, girls were to be all pure and virgin when we got married because that's in our religion and our culture. but i consider myself feministic, and i say that's not correct. you tell me, if you're not happy in the bed, can you really consider yourself happy in your marriage? but they didn't tell you about that back then. what if there was better out there and you just didn't know for your whole life? this is what i say: if you are mature and find a person you love from your heart, you should know what you're getting. i'm telling you, cadiz, you take that boy straight to a hotel and find out!'

yeah, that sure as hell wasn't in the book.

oh, and the second-person present subjunctive for poner is pongas.

2005: a review

well folks, i was all ready to write a play-by-play of all the wonderful and exciting things that happened to me this past year, but frankly, there isn't much to say except that i went into it sad but managed to come out pretty content. which is odd because i worked practically all the time. okay, that's not exactly true. i was actually trapped in a dungeon for most of it. and there's no cell reception in there.

nah, this was just a low-key year. i didn't have nearly enough time for the people i love, but i got a good glimpse of just who it is that loves me. you guys are the best and i don't know what i'd do without you.

but i do know one thing: this year i learned a whole hell of a lot about parking.

i'll be out for the next several days, so if you're bored, take a spin.
hope you have a safe new year's eve, and a happy and healthy 2006.

love, cadiz

vol. 1
vol. 2
vol. 3
vol. 4
vol. 5
vol. 6
vol. 7
vol. 8
vol. 9
vol. 10
vol. 11

yeah, you heard me

i think that there are certain things that we people of the night (who work evening and night hours) allow each other to get away with. or maybe it's our line of work dealing with reports. or maybe it's our -- shall i say finicky -- computer system. regardless, it seems four-letter words called out at various volume levels are no big thing around our office. it's always been that way in most places i've worked with these conditions. and people who have problems with it? well they just deal.

tonight i was dealing with a bit of a sticky wicket that wasn't a big deal by any means. the item in my project was a lot bigger than i had anticipated. by a lot. and i was having a hard time making it work.

'geez louise! this this is FRICKIN' HUGE!!'

'hey, watch it.'

'what? uh, i said frickin'

'i know you did. but that's just a SUBSTITUTE.'

'wha?'

for some reason, her manner and tone left me feeling like a middleschooler standing outside the principal's office with a pink slip in my hand, knuckles smarting from a ruler-rapping. and for the rest of the night i was sort of pouting about it behind my monitor. sure, i probably shouldn't have yelled out like that, but i was frustrated and had just drank a little bit of caffeine, and you know how i get with that stuff in my system.

as the night wore on, i was increasingly miffed. in the two hours since that incident, the guy behind this woman said 'co*ksucker', the person to my right said 'bast*rd', two more people said 'as*hole', and someone walking by said 'f*ck'.

WTF? all of this happened within TWO feet of this broad. but did she say a word? NO.

maybe it's because she's a little older and i'm a little younger than most of our colleagues. maybe it's because we've been pretty cool so she thinks she can *reprimand* me. this irritated me to no end. i wish there was something i could say, but that window was a small one and it's probably not worth it anyway.

but still. i'm FRICKIN' PISSED.

the problem with parking -- vol. 11

the problem with parking is that when your working hours are jacked and don't include any type of rhyme-or-reason around the holidays, you take for granted that the rest of the free world is off the day after christmas, don't expect seventy BAZILLION people to be downtown stepping into oncoming traffic aimlessly because they're done with family stuff and don't know well enough to STAY THE HELL HOME, and make yourself 20 minutes late finding and feeding a meter. then you get up into your ghost town of an office only to be called a moron because you could have parked in the lot because duh, today is a company holiday.

score one for me

christmas morning, i slept in late, leisurely played the stupid game with my family wherein everyone pulls out secret gifts we weren't supposed to buy from closets and under beds and presents them to recipients who dutifully shake their heads and say yearly refrains like, 'i told you not to buy me anything,' or 'you should save your money' while trying to supress the urge to completely rip open the paper around what they're secretly hoping is what they've been hinting at about for the last several months. what a freaking charade. sigh, but without it, christmas just wouldn't be the same. especially because the more i rack my brain to come up with the perfect gift for somebody, the more mild the thank you i get. and when i'm desperately in need for something and take a chance on a potential gift in the shop window, that's when they're overjoyed. i'll never get it.

case in point: i stumbled downstairs to see my brother watching some football recap about the 1985 Chicago Bears (a team he knows a hell of a lot about, considering he was only three during their Superbowl prime).

'you still obsessed with these guys? i mean, you really loved them, but i'm pretty sure you were in diapers back then.

'uh, YEAH. where the heck have you been? i LOVE that team. i'm a real fan. and i was NOT in diapers.'

'yeah, i guess i do remember you running around singing the lyrics to the 'superbowl shuffle in oversized Ray-Ban sunglasses.'

'DUDE, i have that same shirt jim mcmahon is wearing in the interview! he must shop at Target.'

'don't you ever get sick of watching and reading stuff about them?'

'hell no. what's wrong with you? hey, did you know some guy from the newspaper wrote a book about them? hang on, i think it's in the sports section'

'no, i hadn't. is it good?'

'looked pretty solid. here, lemme find that ad for it.' [rummaging through papers]

'okay you do that.' [walking away, smirking]


yeah, i had gotten it for him-- autographed. total last-minute whim purchase, about which i was very unsure.

touchdown!

it totally is better to give than receive, but when those Puma kicks he got for me finally come in the mail, maybe i'll be singing a different tune.

and to all a good night

so i was sitting here in the dungeon drowning my sorrow in dr. pepper and chocolate chip cookies thinking man, i'd even rather be with my parents and brother at some family-friend-prayer-meeting snoozefest, fighting off pushy aunties inquiring about when the hell i'm going to get around to getting married already, than out here in the dungeon by myself on christmas eve. i was okay with it for the first couple of hours, but the more i thought about twinkly lights and crackling fireplaces, the more it started to suck. exponentially.

however, lo and behold, a jolly middle-aged elf with slicked back hair from the other department brings me my reports at ten forty! ANNND, tonight they're only doing one set, so that means i don't have to wait here till 2:30 as originally planned.

merry christmas eve to me!

so, sorry folks, i had a long post brewing for y'all, but it's gonna have to wait. i'm hitchin my sleigh and getting the hell up out of here!

i hope you all have a wonderful holiday and are surrounded by those whom you love best.

MUAH!

once bitten -- FOREVER

recently, someone asked me what my favorite Christmas song was. I said, 'of course, it's Oh Holy Night.'

yeah, i totally lied.

my actual favorite Christmas song is a little ditty performed by WHAM! -- more specifically famous for its frontman, mr. george michael. yes folks, i AM that cheesy. it's catchy, it's poppy and dammit it has all the best elements: love, heartbreak and a vendetta in a chorus repeated to the point of tattooing it to your brain. what's not to love?

okay, so if WHAM! ain't your thing, the song has also been done by the Beatles, Jimmy Eat World, Human Nature, Savage Garden, Westlife, some person named Billie Piper and (shudder) Hillary Duff. I'm sure a bunch of others have covered it too.

i'm on a mission to find some decent *new* christmas songs. why does everything have to be a re-do of the golden oldies? seriously. 'doesn't it feel like Christmas' CANNOT be all that's out there.

these are the days

a radio station in town has long been classified as *alternative rock* (whatever the heck that is), which means i pretty much avoid it for the alleged 'metal-ish screaming' that i tend to pooh-pooh. give me a dope beat, a good hook and some clever rhymes -- okay, the clever rhymes are few and far between-- anyday. basically what i'm saying is this station is usually just another one i roll right past on the radio dial without a second thought.

however, in the new age of 'we play anything' formats that have taken over a good chunk of the presets, the old-style stations are scrambling to keep up. this alt-rock station has introduced its own 'shuffle' of sorts and intersperses some good old ditties from the '90s and even a few kicking beats from before then, too. they've added radio personalities who actually cut the talk to semi-interesting snippets, but what got me is an afternoon segment they call 'the last-letter game', which reminds me of a motherland game my mother kicks ass at, wherein you sing part of a song and other team has to come up with a new song that starts with the the last letter of what you sang. so i decided to give this station a whirl; it's now actually a preset in the car. besides, i need a vacay from mainstream radio hiphop. if i have to hear that stupidass 'Laffy Taffy' song ONE MORE TIME...

anyway, this week the 'alternative' radio station is celebrating its history by playing the top 101 songs of every year that it has existed. and some of those years were the formative ones of my youth -- back in the flannely days of Reality Bites when Soundgarden was still together. i actually listened to some of that stuff back then. but i was shocked at how many lyrics i can still recall. songs i didn't even KNOW that i knew.

one of the songs on the list for 1993 was 'These are the days' by 10,000 Maniacs. I haven't heard it in ages, but it made me feel all warm and happy. and it's funny, because at the time i had thought things were pretty lame. over the last few days, i've caught more of the lists and felt compelled to call some of my pals from those days. when James' 'laid' came on, i had to call a kid who simply looked over at me from across the room in spanish class and mouth you think you're so pretty and that high-pitched crooning was stuck in my head for days. or Liz Phair's 'supernova', which reminded me of all those times i forgot to tell my parents i was going to hang out at my best friend's house after school and we'd turn up the music so loud we couldn't hear the phone as we sat out on the roof, (which was cool until i came home to people who were pissed, having convinced themselves i'd been kidnapped and sold into street servitude in the city.)

it's funny how you never appreciate the situation you're in until it is so far gone, the only thing that can bring back a taste of it is a long-forgotten song.

happy landings

remember back in the day, whenever you'd be in a plane and the pilot made a safe landing, everyone would clap and cheer? have we become so desensitized to the miracle of flight that it no longer deserves applause? what's up with that?

the most wonderful time of the year

i admit it, i'm a sucker for christmas carols.

my dad probably owns more christmas music on vinyl than any other type of music and i grew up listening to it at full blast every weekend in december ever since i can remember. he would record hours of christmas-music-only radio onto cassette tapes and label them 'CHRISTMAS' with a little stick-figure tree.

so when i went away to college, i made sure to bring along a couple tapes so i could sing along with Nat King Cole or Karen Carpenter when the season rolled around. I wasn't, however, prepared for my roommate's reaction. now let me start by saying i was lucky to be placed with this girl. she's one of the most kind and thoughtful people i know, but she won't lie and doesn't hesitate to say what's on her mind.

'ugh. I HATE this crap,' was what she probably said when she heard those tapes the first time. i totally thought she was kidding. i mean, c'mon! who doesn't love 'holly jolly christmas,' or 'here come santa claus'?! but no, she really couldn't stand it. but i still played them a bit and tried to ignore her rolling eyes. after awhile, it became a joke and i'd threaten to play them to wake her up. she said she was glad to be rid of my 'damn christmas crap' when we were packing up to go home for winter break. i just shrugged it off.

the next fall, we moved into a dorm room a floor above our old one. when the holiday season was approaching, i went searching through all my stuff for my dad's good old christmas tapes. i could have sworn i had brought them, but let me tell you, there aren't too many hiding places in a single room shared by two people. so i resigned myself to spending that winter humming snippets of 'reindeer on the roof' or 'good king wenceslas,' awfully surprised my roommate wasn't telling me to shut up. i was sad. i thought i lost my tapes. at that time there was no 24-hour christmas station either and i only got to hear 'rockin' around the christmas tree' when i watched 'Home Alone.' it just wasn't the same.

when we were getting ready to move out at the end of the year, i had pulled the bed away from the wall to get some of the stuff that had fallen behind it. i heard something being tossed onto the bed.

'i know. i'm a bitch,' my roommate said.

and there they were; two cassette tapes with little stick christmas trees, that she had stolen while we were moving in and hidden. an act, she claimed, intended to preserve her sanity.

the problem with parking -- vol. 10

the problem with parking is when you tell your friend you'll be at her house in 45 minutes -- and you were -- however, it takes you another 40 minutes to find a spot near her building that isn't 2-feet deep in snow or taken up by plastic lawn furniture. sigh.

digging out

*I*T'*S* *S*N*O*W*I*N*G*!

i've always said that i need to be in a place that showcases all the seasons. and despite the fact that i had to dig my car out from under a foot and a half of snow this evening -- even after trying to park under a bridge -- and drive home on the highway at 30 m.p.h., hydroplaning once and afraid of being sideswiped by an errant SUV, i still think it's damn pretty.

but ask me again in March.

the single best thing about watching the Amazing Race Family Edition

not having to hear everyone refer to each other as 'babe.'

listening to racers bleat and bellow it ad nauseam -- to mean 'hurry the hell up' or 'you just put us in last place,' or 'i can't believe i brought you with me' or 'ohmygod i'm so not going to talk to you when this is over' -- erases any and all intrinsic sentiment from the word and encourages me to never want to use it as a term of endearment. ever.

i'm glad for the reprieve, even if it means i have to watch scantily clad sisters whine about how everyone is such a jerk but wonder why nobody likes them.

***UPDATE***
next tuesday night on CBS will be the season finale of The Amazing Race: Family Edition. if you're curious about what all the fuss is about, that's the time to check it out. it's two hours and will feature three families racing around the world to win a million dollars. and someone will win. without saying too much, the contestants include some characters. in the preview it shows that they'll be whitewater rafting, swinging on a trapeze, throwing each other down in an airport and --omar, this one is especially for you,-- curling.

just thought i'd put that out there. enjoy!

it called to me

a while back i went with my college girls to miami (south beach). there was plenty of sun and fun, but of course the festivities wouldn't be complete without a little shopping. being a very touristy spot, everything in the shops was marked up at an exponential rate correlating to the number of times it had been spotted on MTV. A few of my comrades found some pretty good things, but i was mostly there to window shop and had no intention of buying anything that overpriced from a chain store i could most likely find in the mall i've been going to since i was born.

but that didn't stop me from looking.

oohing and ahhing as other people tried on stuff was fun for awhile, but then i got the dangerous idea of maybe trying something on myself. you know, just for kicks. we walked into a popular nationwide chain. i was looking for something fun and ridiculous that i could entertain myself with but not actually purchase. i made my usual trip sequentially up and down every trendy little aisle being sure to look at everything at least once (you never know what gem can be hiding among corduroy capri pants). and while i can always appreciate what's hot this season, i realize the real value in a piece of clothing is its classic longevity, a rare quality that i hone into like a sonar.

and it happened. it was red. very plain and simple. hanging under the shimmery black one-sleeved numbers and the strapless assassins. very unassuming. easily lost in the crowd, but on its own, not half bad. a little like me. i pulled it out, holding it at arm's length. pretty decent. it was totally something i'd wear. the back was a little lowcut for my taste, but eh, it wasn't like i was going to buy it or anything. i slipped it on.

dude, it was like this dress was made for me. formfitting, but not in that annoying way that clings to every unattractive curve. crisp, but with just enough of a stretch to keep you from feeling locked in. it hit at just the right part of my knee, and the slits on the side helped with mobility, but weren't high enough for streetwalker status. it was well tailored and could easily be dressed up or down depending on jewelry and shoes. i was in love. until i looked at the price tag. the thing cost about as much as i was spending on lodging for that trip. and i clearly did not *need* it. so with a heavy heart, i spun around a couple more times and returned it to the rack.

you know when you find something perfect and don't buy it for some really stupid reason like you can't afford it, but then later catch yourself thinking about that item forlornly because it would have been perfect in so many ways? yeah.

however, there is a ray of hope in this story. a few months after my trip, it was getting to be christmas time. i decided to hit up the mall for a few gifts, and headed into a chain store that was moving locations and getting rid of everything in the building. the trip was on a whim, because everyone knows that after the first day, sales like that are often picked over so much that all that is left on the rack are damaged goods or things in size -18 or 56XX, that very few people can wear. but nevertheless, something compelled me to wander on in.

i brushed past all the oversized workpants and the sweaters that had bumps from being on a hanger too long when i saw it -- and i'm not even freaking kidding -- hanging nearly by itself on a rolling rack in the corner. there was nothing else hanging there but a looped up belt and half of a sweater set. the red dress. i recognized it right away and thought it was a cruel joke because of course it'd be in some ridiculous size or have a malfunctioning zipper or something. but upon further inspection, there was absolutely nothing wrong with it. and it was my size.

i took it as a sign and went up to the counter, where i got the best news ever. not only was this dress *the* dress, it had been marked down SEVENTY-FIVE percent.

i'd have to say that's probably the most satisfying purchase i've ever made. it's just too bad that i haven't had any real opportunities to wear it. but even if i never do, just knowing it found me again is enough.